Something Sort of Something: A Palpable Update

Since the last few entries have been aired more on the side of reflections.
Here is more of a palpable update:

I’ve been going through a something sort of something… but, I think it’s getting better now.

Taught round one of Adult Acting Classes up on the mountain. It apparently was a success because all of my students requested that I continue to offer them. So, round two begun last Monday. I am learning a lot about how to speak basics, while simultaneously accommodating the variety of different needs of the individual student. Grateful to have students that are pushing me to expand as a teacher. Lake Arrowhead children and adults classes are available for you! 

The Radiate Wellness Community has featured my blog post “Epiphany of Breathe”. !!!

My dear friend, Amina Teachout, opened up her yoga studio, Playscape, this last month. I’ve been connecting with a really wonderful community there. The friendships I’m beginning to cultivate up here hold such a unique balance of mutual love, wisdom, and support. It’s pretty freaking awesome. Oh, and I got to clown around at the opening, which was fun– Spatula tried to practice the yoga poses, literally.  Did you know downward dogs actually bark? Woof!


I started taking some improv classes at the Groundlings down in LA this past week. It feels really good to be practicing, playing, and going back to the basics. It’s also really nice to be splitting time half in the city, half in the mountain. Great to be meeting new people and be at a different pace.Very grateful for the friends who are offering a place for me to sleep two nights a week, this saves me five hours, $20 bucks in gas, and a whole lot of emotional energy of going up and down that mountain! Plus, I get to do some city exploring. YAY FOR FRIENDS!

Safety Sue made her first radio appearance on an NPR show called “American Parlor Song Book” …. About halfway through the bureaucracy, you’ll find Safety Sue sharing her experience with the government. Check out episode “4/27/18 – Pushing Pencils”  !!! National exposure, oh yeah!


I have finally launched a Patreon account. Patron is a website that allows “fans” to subscribe to an artists work. I’ve chosen to do this on a monthly basis. So… if you enjoy my blog posts, youtube creations, artistic/teaching presence in various different communities, AND you have a couple extra bones to toss my (and NutMeg’s) way each month, it’d make a big difference. CLICK HERE TO START YOUR SUBSCRIPTION. If everyone on this mailing list subscribed only $3 monthly, my body would be properly nourished all month long. On average, it takes me at least six hours of writing/editing per blog post. It’d be really rad if my part time random jobs could subside so I could focus on generating more consistently and confidently! 

You’ll really be supporting a lot of different projects and communities with your $$$. Example being: the development of my new comedy show, “Lake Arrowhead Live: A Mountain Comedy Show” ..  to be performed June 16th at 7pm at the Tudor House in Lake Arrowhead!

There was an incident at the bus involving county code enforcement. The whole thing was quite absurd and upsetting. I haven’t received a written notice of anything, so I’m not taking it too seriously— but it has provoked a trying to understand of what my rights are. Apparently, it’s illegal to live on your own land in an RV, however it’s not illegal to park on the street and live in your RV as long as you move it every once and awhile. The code people came because of a complaint.  How could I be bothering anyone? I live quietly as a meditative writer that lives efficiently in a bus next to a meadow. On a weekly basis, I see more wildlife than I do people. I see coyotes everyday, we’re all on a first name basis now. Recently, I SAW A BABY MOUNTAIN LION and a week later I saw a BEAR, oh yes a bear– not so way over there. Here is proof!
Anyway, I will, of course, find ways around this should there be further issues— cause what’s the point of owning land if you can’t live the way you very (environmentally) consciously choose to?

I heard a quote recently on This American Life by a Creek Indian Chief that is sitting strong with me. “I have thought that the white men wanted to bring burden and ache of heart among my people in driving them from their homes and yoking them with laws they do not understand.”

There are so many laws these days. My neighbor said that between county, state, and federal laws, the average Californian breaks twenty laws a day without even knowing it. Having a written set understandings to honor those around us is valuable, but when does it become too much? I question where the line between protection and freedom needs to be drawn. The government (among many other aspects of this world) is far too in their heads, not enough in their hearts.

I feel this about personal relationships too. We can get through fear and conflict, if everyone is willing to face it. Deeper compassion evokes greater collaboration. Simple as that…

But, I’m sure, as with all things, balanced will be achieved and all will someday will be in harmony. *light shines from heavens*

and until then….  I shall meditate and occasionally scream, “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH WTF IS GOING ON HERE?”.

and the response I will get from NutMeg will look like this:


(the emotional support dog that doesn’t even care about my feelings…whatever, Nut.)

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Something Sort of Something: A Palpable Update

Hummingbird.

An afternoon, not too long ago…. I was meditating, hoping to relax my brain enough so that, perhaps I could fall asleep. Right as I was beginning to cross the threshold of consciousness into perhaps of restful slumber something flew into my bus. I heard the buzz of wigs and NutMeg beginning to get riled up.

I went to the front windshield where I encountered a beautiful hummingbird trying desperately to get out only to find itself trapped. I moved some books out of the way that were disabling the hummingbirds full range of motion. Upon moving the books, the wings fluttered, and again, this little bird kept bumping against the glass. I tried to encourage it with words. “All you have to do is fly through this  open window less than eight inches away, it’s right here!”

It stopped moving seemingly calmed by my presence. We locked eyes. There I saw this bird, a symbol of joy and happiness, afraid— stuck. I watched it’s breathing, it’s heart beat, which is generally quite fast, begin to slow. This little bird and I gazed into each others eyes. Soon, it started fluttering again hitting the window, repeatedly unable to break through to get to where it was meant to be. It kept trying to go one way, over and over again without any success.

I had the idea to block it’s vision of the glass. I grabbed a piece of paper and slid it over the windshield where the hummingbird was trying to fly. Immediately, it turned and flew out the open window eight inches away.

How often we are that little bird— we see so clearly what we want, but we are blindsided by how to get there. We try the same thing over and over again, with little to no success. But, if when we find a way to free ourselves from how it should go, into how it’s going, we actually open ourselves to finding the way of getting there.

An afternoon, not too long ago, I saw a hummingbird, the essence of joy, admit that it was afraid. And I too, must stop sometimes and acknowledge the fear I feel.

Hummingbird.

Oh My Gumdrops!

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As I drive to work, I briefly glance over the mountain’s edge, where a valley of clouds appear like an ocean. This image further justifies the whimsicality of the place where I began employment last week. True to it’s name, it appears to be a forest in the sky.

The first time I entered this storybook village, I giggled with delight. It was a dress rehearsal night and my inner child was overjoyed to be in the presence of FOUR Santas at one time!!!

As a village performer, I get to be a woodland princess, which is funny because I don’t recall ever being one of those little girls who “wanted to be a princess when she grew up.”  I certainly played princess, but I’ve never felt a since of entitlement so strong as to want to become one. The only thing that ever interested me about being a princess was being able to talk to animals and finding my one true love. — Which is what I’m on track to doing anyway, why complicate the already complicated throw ruling a Kingdom into the mix?

Luckily, I’m not a princess everyday… Sometimes I’m a gingerbread cookie, which works well because I’m one tough cookie— although it’s hard to run, run, run as fast as you can when you can hardly see anything, including the child eating your cousin in front of you. Yep, every day is filled with Christmas magic!

It’s a funny place to work, no one knows each others real names, especially right now since the season just begun. I am proud to share that my new friends are Peanut, Princess Sugar, and Stitch- the costume elf.

GumDrop the Greeter Elf told me, “I love working here. It makes me feel like a kid again.”
“I can tell, you’re radiating with youth,” I replied, feeling lifted by his excitement for life.
He smiled, screamed, and shook his body, “OH NO! I’M RADIATING!”

I’m still laughing and this happened over four days ago. GumDrop is truly my favorite elf.  I know you shouldn’t have a favorite elf because their all unique in their own way, but he’s perfect in every way!

I asked if there was going to be a Christmas Party… or if that was just everyday.

They looked at me as if I belonged on the naughty list for asking such a silly question.

I think I’ve found my people. I’m not sure how I’ll survive after the season completes!

Overall, it’s an exciting job as there are opportunities for collaboration, creation, and play. It also gives me some sort of social interaction on the mountain, which was quickly becoming a necessity for me. BusLife with no internet/cell reception has been INTENSE, ya’ll. It was an adjustment to not be able to binge watch all the shows you want to! Or text someone as you feel like it. Or look something up because you don’t actually know how to cook tofu…

I mean, seriously, I was to the point where I spending several hours a day trying to talk to birds and developing a deep practice of watching the unique way incense smoke moves about the space. I also re-read all of the dreams from my dream-log from the last five years (which unveiled some truly FASCINATING things). If I had a science mind, I’d Carl Jung it out for you, but instead I will allude to it’s magic in my creative writings since many of you are skeptical of my way of existing anyway. Not skeptical of me, just how I take movement in my life. Dreams tells you everything, once you learn their codes. ;0)

Now, with a little bit of routine and balance, I feel more “stable” emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually than I ever have in my adult life. I’ve been feeling great about being more off the grid than on it. The long, dark, nearly silent nights take me far beyond away in a manger!

I wrote a short story last night. (I will share it soon!). It was inspired by my wonderings: have the older men playing Santa spent their whole lives wanting to be Santa or did it just happened— and are there are older men who spent their whole lives wanting to become Santa, but physically it just doesn’t happen for them? … These are the questions one asks themselves inside a Gingerbread costume.

Oh my gumdrops! It’s going to be an interesting winter!

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Merry Christmas, everyone! Oh… wait, it’s not that time yet. :0)

Oh My Gumdrops!

The Gifting of the Magic Bus

The time has come, my friends, to tell you a story of the MAGIC BUS!

Once upon a time ago, in May, I received an email from my dear Aunt Emily, “Weren’t you looking for something like this?” Attached were five photos of a flat nosed Blue Bird School bus, painted white, seats removed, hardwoods installed.

Expressing my immediate excitement, more pieces were unveiled and soon I was on the phone with one of the guys, of the group of guys, that the bus belonged to.

“Yeah, we’re giving it as a gift because we are just ready to see it with new life.”

A FREE BUS? — a bus that just happened to be the exact manifestation of what I had been looking for a year and half prior?

I asked the guy if I could write a letter as to why I would be a good recipient of the bus. He said, “Yeah, write a short paragraph as to what your vision is with the bus and how the universe is supporting you in doing it.”

I immediately write this very charming letter.

Greetings Garrett and other Guardians of the Bus,

Here’s what I’ve been thinking and why the universe is telling me to do it!

Two years ago, I bought a small property on the edge of the San Bernardino National Forest. After my quest for gold on the land turned to out to be a dud, I began to research yurts, draft tiny houses, and explore possibilities of a Keebler elf-like treehouse… but alas, nothing was right. And soon, my Kansas City responsibilities pulled me back home— leaving me with the ghosts of my California dreaming. I returned home, hopeless that my time in California would be nothing more than a long commute to work every summer. 

You see, for the last three summers, I have gone to small communities in California to teach ensemble-based theatre, movement, and clown. Every year, I have expanded the program— and with this came an expanded vision—a THEATRE BUS, that would be something like a 16th century pageant wagon. It was a brilliant and exciting idea, filled with possibility and illuminating potential– until my creative partner in this endeavor moved to LA, and the logistics of buying and renovating a bus became daunting. 

So, I gave up the vision. And instead of a bus, I bought a Prius and would journey on a smaller scale. 

But then, the universe was like “HAILEY! There are bigger plans for you, you aren’t allowed to play small!”

And that’s when “She” was sent to me. 

There she was– appearing seemingly out of nowhere in my email! A vision in of the night, an angel on wheels,  right from my drawing board! It was “She”, the flat nose Bluebird with beautiful flooring, and yet still a blank slate of creation! It was “She” near TO my creative partner, near TO my land, near TO my contractor Uncle, near the start of where my theatre camps began, near TO all my hopes and dreams. 

Talk about a MAGIC SCHOOL BUS, YA’LL!

Recognizing the almost exact manifestation of my theatre bus, I immediately said, “YES! 100% I am in.” 

The logistics no longer a worry– as all the puzzle pieces that once did not make sense will always fall perfectly facilitate a bigger picture.  

I hold a deep trust of that bigger picture and the universe’s orchestration of it. 

A week ago, I told the universe that if I found a new home during my summer teaching tour, I would be more willing to sell my KC home. That’s when “She” arrived! It appears I am in the process of some quantum leaps towards more powerfully stepping into my soul’s bigger calling. And I’m listening! However it unfolds, I honor this very curious and exciting time and your part in the puzzle, even if that’s just about trust and inspiration!

It’s like the old saying I just made up,  “The buried treasure unveils itself as the winds of time deem it so.” :0) 

Thank you! Have a good day!

Best wishes,

Hailey

Then there was the waiting for the bus, well, waiting for the bus boys. I felt surrendered to the outcome, nothing lose/nothing gained sort of deal… It took nearly three weeks to hear back.  Then the day came that I received the joyous message of “Hey, Hailey! Just got back form a trip and talked to the boys. We would love for the bus to be in your hands!”

VICTORY DANCE!!! I jumped up and down, up and down!
I would have become a meme had someone been recording me.

The universe listened to the intent I had set:
“I will move to California, if I have a place to live!”
And, alas the bus appeared— and three months later, I moved into it.
It’s just a short drive down the mountain to Los Angeles.

Most current update: It’s in the active process of being converted into a full time living space by New Monument Construction (my Uncle Tom). Stove, oven, solar power are in.  Running water, sink, and composting toilet on it’s way!

And, the Hailey on the bus, keeps dreaming big & wide, big & wide, big & wide….
While the wheels in her head go round & round, round & round, round & round…
The possibilities of life keep moving back & forth, back & forth, back & forth…
And the Nut on the bus… is just having a good time being a lil’ Nut, lil’ Nut, lil’ Nut!

The Gifting of the Magic Bus

The Ins and Outs of the Modern Shaman

Inspired by this great article: http://themindunleashed.org/2014/08/shaman-sees-mental-hospital.html … I just want to give a western second to a tribal healer! Word bro, word!

The past few months have greatly challenged me as far as my personal healing arts are concerned. I received this article the same day that a friend tagged me in a post of someone inquiring about a dream—a dream I had two nights prior. As I have said before this eastern experience of mine, I believe we are in a time of the heart and the mind combining. This could also be understood as a time of combining science with intuitive feeling.

In Summer 2012, I had a ton of anxiety accompanied with many panic attacks. I have seen many people become victims of their panic attacks, letting it dramatically influence their walking life. In a refusal to become a victim of my own experience, as well as not having the need to have medication or expensive counseling… I looked within, and beyond, and well, everywhere. With every attack, above my head I felt a little cloud of buzzy light– something that was far beyond myself or my understanding at the time. I felt as if this thing was trying to force its way through me. The more I resisted, the more intense it all became. I began to meditate, something very new to me. I bought a basic “chakra meditation” cd. I didn’t even know what chakras were. When I listened to the CD, I never could focus on the words. During the meditations, I’d have this intense visuals, again beyond my understanding or experience. I felt more balanced with the anxiety, but things in my life began to change. The visions happened outside of meditations. I began seeing things before they would happen. Animals actually began to talk to me– I’d look at them and I’d hear “Hey you’re about to receive an important phone call from Jim”. Soon the pieces of the elaborate puzzle of life began organically together and I was overall less troubled with the intensity I felt before, but a little confused on the sudden and odd changes in my reality. The journey became filled with a deep inner knowing of acceptance, peace, and understanding– one I didn’t force together, but one that was as real as the reality I shared with others.

Those who were with me during this time also experienced a shift, almost as if they were catching this “awakening” as if it was the common cold. There was nothing “common” about it, besides the syncrancitities that not only I experienced, but my friends also experienced. It was maddening for me at times, but their ability to also see tapped into a reality greater than any of us had seen before. There was beauty in experiencing all that had been unknown before.

Many do not believe what they have not. It seems that few in our reality are actually able embrace or accept those who experience what they have not. When an intuitive/sensitive person begins having experiences beyond their own understanding/control, it is very common for other people dismiss them and their experience. As if the heightened experience wasn’t already alienating enough, the rejection of those around them only adds to the confusion. I believe this to be a major problem in the western world (as explained beautifully in the article).

During a recent psychedelic experience, I was able communicate to others in their state of altercation (one that feels of all love, acceptance, and connectivity) that it is possible for others to be on a frequency similar to this all the time. Again, it’s hard for people to relate to what they don’t know, but we were all in a state of expansion. ‘See guys! To some degree, this is how I’m seeing and feeling things all the time.’ And as anyone who will say who has tripped on mushrooms, there are the people on ‘shrooms and then there is then everybody else. Those who aren’t tripping are not feeling or seeing what you see, and depending on the nature of this trip, this can be scary or overwhelming. In that moment of sharing, ‘that makes sense, I get that’ was said. With that they gained a deeper understanding of me, and I felt understood after weeks of feeling more and alien.

Maybe the West needs to get out of the logical mind more frequently, more acts of expansion from our culture… Expansion leads to greater acceptance and less of an intense desire to project out ‘my way’ and simply accept ‘all ways’. I don’t feel that healthy dose of mushrooms is the only way to achieve that, but there is a need to release the projections on what has been proven, seeing things as they are on a personal level. Rational explanations aren’t always the experiences, and we have to expand our minds beyond what we have seen and move into a what we could see. Can we please stop dismissing spiritual experiences as a mental illness? Can a part of the rational teachings be that there might be times in your life that you’ll experience some seemingly ‘other worldly’ components? We might not know or agree on where these things come from, and that is groovy. Regardless of the perspective, they happen, people do experience them, and those who roll with it rather than against it can still live a functional life. People breakdown when others don’t show an openness of the experience. That the difference between “mystics” and “crazy people”, mystics have the intelligence to ride out the crazy, some of them even use it to their advantage.

When it comes to mystics however, I don’t condone going to any random psychic/healer you see a sign for. Your healers find you or you find your healers, and it is unnecessary to be forced to pay anyone for personal evolution (unless that’s what you feel is in your highest). Overall, it’s best to try to find balance in all relationship and give back to those who give to you.

Find your way. It is important in all of life to ask questions. To find your beliefs rather than be told them. I still don’t believe in religion or a god. I believe in a collaboration with spirit. Spirit is the forces that move through and around us that can often only be felt and not seen. Define it has as you will, but there is something extraordinary about the knowing felt in the purest feeling state. This occurs when you are open, ego aside, and listening to the details of your surroundings. It also occurs in the absence of needing to be right and with an awareness that all things can change.

Find your healers and listen to them. You’ll be surprised by the wisdom that can be found with the emergence of the inner shaman–as well as those who are called to be our modern shamans. Shaman healers come in all shapes and sizes. Be open to receiving the medicine, and remember medicine doesn’t always taste good-sometimes it’s real hard to swallow!

Happy Full Moon!

The Ins and Outs of the Modern Shaman

Don’t Mute Your Mind’s Musings

We often spend a great deal of time in our lives trying to hide our trueselves from other.

We flaunt our talents, what we know to be, rather than just being what they are. Speaking from an open place of being and playing.

The actors are not just the people on stage, it is everyone around us.

I lately have been moving through heavy discoveries, deep questions of who I am, what I’m doing, why I believe what I believe.

In the end it doesn’t matter much what’s right or wrong, scientifically proven or not… It’s just about being clear, clear for ourselves and for others.

And it’s scary to share. It’s scary to believe that what you have to say is actually good enough, is actually what you need.

I don’t think you have to be an intellectual to raise good people, with strong minds, who ask questions rather than allow themselves to accept what they have read or been told.

Moving into a world where we all do what we dream. We stay free other people’s paths until the agreement of the journey is together.

We can try to predict our future, or the weather tomorrow, or whatever be it… But there is no certainty, no definition for what has to be. It always comes to the moment. The now.

These are the times with our friends, our family, this land, that nature… Lift yourself up and embrace the current cause there isn’t anywhere else to go really.

The beauty is now, even in it’s ugliness, it is here. We embrace. We must embrace.

Don’t Mute Your Mind’s Musings