Mountain Times: Read all About it!

It has been a busy couple of weeks on the mountain. So much so, that the stillness and intense feelings of isolation of my arrival are now a distant memory.

In Bus News!

I had my first guests at the Magic Bus! Some Dell’Arte alumni popped up from down the hill and stayed for two wonderful nights. Per bus overnight guests tradition, everyone brought a unique to them magnet. They also filled the bus with jokes, laughter, and lovely exchanges of life. Turns out the bus hosts six people for dinner and sleeping comfortably. It’s also much warmer the more bodies are in here.

The stove finally arrived, but it was not possible to locally locate pipes for it’s tiny ventilation hole. So, they too had to be ordered from online. They are supposed to arrive this week, and install will happen as soon as they arrive!

Nut and I were lucky to be able to house sit for a few days last weekend. My Thanksgiving was sitting and watching all of season 2 of Stranger Things.  The next day, I also did not get off the catch catching up on various shows. The weekend, I was fairly productive in handling business stuff online… But overall, it made me realize that I am very grateful not to have internet or reception in the bus— as I meditate/sleep deeper and use my life energy way more productively (i.e. writing!)

Nut and I have been back to roughing the cold for the last couple of nights. We have a little propane heater that’s assisting in keeping us warm— but it GOBBLES propane like many of you gobbled turkey on Thanksgiving—NO MERCY! So, I don’t leave it on all the time cause it ain’t cheap— and even though I have a window open, I still worry about it winning the battle with oxygen or setting my blankets on fire. Death by heater, no thank you!

Ah, good times.

In “Work” News!

Now unfolding is the dynamics of navigating within a new creative environment.

I am very, very grateful to have found a place where my elf like spirit thrives!

A place where the lines are blurred to if you are pretending to believe or truly do believe.

I’m learning about:
ensemble.
stepping up, without stepping on.
entertainment meeting art.  (or for me ART meeting entertainment)
invoking village camaraderie (through special handshakes and mystery letters)
I’ve been writing songs for the shows, creating silly bits, and having a wonderful time.

It’s literally been Christmas everyday since November 9th, and I am so glad about that.

Having this job has not only been good for me creatively, but also for my social life. I’ve met a couple friends that are totally rad. Sometimes we all go ice skating after work together, hang out at pub chatting, or hatching up creative + yoga plans around town.

I finding my people! And I’m so glad!

In Other News!

Had a lovely Sunday Thanksgiving in the Little Log Cabin (Aunt Emily + Uncle Tom’s home). Last year, I was in Peru for Thanksgiving, so it was nice to celebrate with Family!

I am helping out at the community theatre with their production of the Christmas Carol. This is a part of a ploy in trying to find the other actor/creators here on the mountain. I want to get some children’s theatre happening as well as will need some assistance in reading this new script once it’s completed.

Possibility of my coming back to KC in late January thru mid February for theatre work… but we will see. Gotta follow the strongest momentum and I am not exactly sure what that is right now! Taking it as it comes, but prepared for how it goes. And enjoying every moment of it. California has been home in my heart for a long time, glad it’s now home to my body!

*victory dance! oh yeah!*

Oh My Gumdrops!

As I drive to work, I briefly glance over the mountain’s edge, where a valley of clouds appear like an ocean. This image further justifies the whimsicality of the place where I began employment last week. True to it’s name, it appears to be a forest in the sky.

The first time I entered this storybook village, I giggled with delight. It was a dress rehearsal night and my inner child was overjoyed to be in the presence of FOUR Santas at one time!!!

As a village performer, I get to be a woodland princess, which is funny because I don’t recall ever being one of those little girls who “wanted to be a princess when she grew up.”  I certainly played princess, but I’ve never felt a since of entitlement so strong as to want to become one. The only thing that ever interested me about being a princess was being able to talk to animals and finding my one true love. — Which is what I’m on track to doing anyway, why complicate the already complicated throw ruling a Kingdom into the mix?

Luckily, I’m not a princess everyday… Sometimes I’m a gingerbread cookie, which works well because I’m one tough cookie— although it’s hard to run, run, run as fast as you can when you can hardly see anything, including the child eating your cousin in front of you. Yep, every day is filled with Christmas magic!

It’s a funny place to work, no one knows each others real names, especially right now since the season just begun. I am proud to share that my new friends are Peanut, Princess Sugar, and Stitch- the costume elf.

GumDrop the Greeter Elf told me, “I love working here. It makes me feel like a kid again.”
“I can tell, you’re radiating with youth,” I replied, feeling lifted by his excitement for life.
He smiled, screamed, and shook his body, “OH NO! I’M RADIATING!”

I’m still laughing and this happened over four days ago. GumDrop is truly my favorite elf.  I know you shouldn’t have a favorite elf because their all unique in their own way, but he’s perfect in every way!

I asked if there was going to be a Christmas Party… or if that was just everyday.

They looked at me as if I belonged on the naughty list for asking such a silly question.

I think I’ve found my people. I’m not sure how I’ll survive after the season completes!

Overall, it’s an exciting job as there are opportunities for collaboration, creation, and play. It also gives me some sort of social interaction on the mountain, which was quickly becoming a necessity for me. BusLife with no internet/cell reception has been INTENSE, ya’ll. It was an adjustment to not be able to binge watch all the shows you want to! Or text someone as you feel like it. Or look something up because you don’t actually know how to cook tofu…

I mean, seriously, I was to the point where I spending several hours a day trying to talk to birds and developing a deep practice of watching the unique way incense smoke moves about the space. I also re-read all of the dreams from my dream-log from the last five years (which unveiled some truly FASCINATING things). If I had a science mind, I’d Carl Jung it out for you, but instead I will allude to it’s magic in my creative writings since many of you are skeptical of my way of existing anyway. Not skeptical of me, just how I take movement in my life. Dreams tells you everything, once you learn their codes. ;0)

Now, with a little bit of routine and balance, I feel more “stable” emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually than I ever have in my adult life. I’ve been feeling great about being more off the grid than on it. The long, dark, nearly silent nights take me far beyond away in a manger!

I wrote a short story last night. (I will share it soon!). It was inspired by my wonderings: have the older men playing Santa spent their whole lives wanting to be Santa or did it just happened— and are there are older men who spent their whole lives wanting to become Santa, but physically it just doesn’t happen for them? … These are the questions one asks themselves inside a Gingerbread costume.

Oh my gumdrops! It’s going to be an interesting winter!

Merry Christmas, everyone! Oh… wait, it’s not that time yet. :0)

Bus Life: “The S Way”

Greetings Everyone!

It’s been an exciting couple of weeks in bus land…
Well, as exciting as it can be in a bus with one woman and her tiny dog.

The water tank, pump, hot water heater, and sink have all been installed.
The composting toilet is in full action— someday in the near future I will be growing flowers out of my own shit. And then, I can say to all those who see them, “Look, beautiful things do grow out of your own shit!” :0)

I painted murals in the front and the back. Built a sweet table and have been organizing the space a lot. It’s really nice to be creating a home that can take me anywhere…

The only major thing missing is the wood burning stove. It was supposed to arrive last week, but it was sent to the wrong address, so now there is no telling when it will arrive. In the meantime, NutMeg and I will do our very best to keep each other warm & ALIVE! (It’s been getting into the mid-thirties at night!)

And I still need to figure out how to continually solar power my mini-fridge. Then how to do some small things like hang the thermal curtains, construct countertops, build wheel well covers, and secure everything for my eventual take off. Then we’ll be ready to roll (in the Spring perhaps?).

BUT WHERE is it that I want to go? What is that I’d want to do?

Today, I spoke with a dear friend who reminded me that uncertainty IS a part of the journey. And that’s what makes it great is seeing it unfold.

Yesterday, a family member reminded me that even though I might not be exactly playing out my DREAM, DREAM right now— but, this time is not wasted, because I am learning valuable, valuable skills in learning to live “off the grid”.

I’m in the process of living the  “simplicity, simplicity, simplicity” that Thoreau spoke about. Living in a smaller space is rad!

I’ve have decided to stay up here for the winter, I’m going to “on Walden Pond” it— doing it the “S Way” cause that’s the name of my street. Funds are low and I don’t think winter will be quite as intense as I previously believed it would be, but heck! I could be wrong and this story is about to go all live action update “Into the Wild” on ya’ll.

Kidding.

I applied for a job. In fact, I do believe that the most adult thing I’ve ever done is update my resume AND write a cover letter for a job as a Christmas Elf. I could jingle on and on about how great that would be!

Had my first LA audition, which just felt super cool. It was for an improv class at the Groundlings. I’m not sure how I’ll navigate taking a class twice a week in the city (a friendly couch rotation perhaps)— but it’d be rad to get into a generative flow with people who know what to do with “characters” like me!

I wrote a poem this week. Here is my sharing of it!

Speaking of characters, here’s Nut & I for Halloween. We’re “movin’ right along”.
But one questions still remains: “Man or a Muppet?”

Happy Belated Halloween and Happy November, everyone!

Also, a BIG thank you to everyone who has called, emailed, commented on a post… It’s motivating to keep sharing when I know people are appreciate and/or are inspired by the sharings!

The Gifting of the Magic Bus

The time has come, my friends, to tell you a story of the MAGIC BUS!

Once upon a time ago, in May, I received an email from my dear Aunt Emily, “Weren’t you looking for something like this?” Attached were five photos of a flat nosed Blue Bird School bus, painted white, seats removed, hardwoods installed.

Expressing my immediate excitement, more pieces were unveiled and soon I was on the phone with one of the guys, of the group of guys, that the bus belonged to.

“Yeah, we’re giving it as a gift because we are just ready to see it with new life.”

A FREE BUS? — a bus that just happened to be the exact manifestation of what I had been looking for a year and half prior?

I asked the guy if I could write a letter as to why I would be a good recipient of the bus. He said, “Yeah, write a short paragraph as to what your vision is with the bus and how the universe is supporting you in doing it.”

I immediately write this very charming letter.

Greetings Garrett and other Guardians of the Bus,

Here’s what I’ve been thinking and why the universe is telling me to do it!

Two years ago, I bought a small property on the edge of the San Bernardino National Forest. After my quest for gold on the land turned to out to be a dud, I began to research yurts, draft tiny houses, and explore possibilities of a Keebler elf-like treehouse… but alas, nothing was right. And soon, my Kansas City responsibilities pulled me back home— leaving me with the ghosts of my California dreaming. I returned home, hopeless that my time in California would be nothing more than a long commute to work every summer. 

You see, for the last three summers, I have gone to small communities in California to teach ensemble-based theatre, movement, and clown. Every year, I have expanded the program— and with this came an expanded vision—a THEATRE BUS, that would be something like a 16th century pageant wagon. It was a brilliant and exciting idea, filled with possibility and illuminating potential– until my creative partner in this endeavor moved to LA, and the logistics of buying and renovating a bus became daunting. 

So, I gave up the vision. And instead of a bus, I bought a Prius and would journey on a smaller scale. 

But then, the universe was like “HAILEY! There are bigger plans for you, you aren’t allowed to play small!”

And that’s when “She” was sent to me. 

There she was– appearing seemingly out of nowhere in my email! A vision in of the night, an angel on wheels,  right from my drawing board! It was “She”, the flat nose Bluebird with beautiful flooring, and yet still a blank slate of creation! It was “She” near TO my creative partner, near TO my land, near TO my contractor Uncle, near the start of where my theatre camps began, near TO all my hopes and dreams. 

Talk about a MAGIC SCHOOL BUS, YA’LL!

Recognizing the almost exact manifestation of my theatre bus, I immediately said, “YES! 100% I am in.” 

The logistics no longer a worry– as all the puzzle pieces that once did not make sense will always fall perfectly facilitate a bigger picture.  

I hold a deep trust of that bigger picture and the universe’s orchestration of it. 

A week ago, I told the universe that if I found a new home during my summer teaching tour, I would be more willing to sell my KC home. That’s when “She” arrived! It appears I am in the process of some quantum leaps towards more powerfully stepping into my soul’s bigger calling. And I’m listening! However it unfolds, I honor this very curious and exciting time and your part in the puzzle, even if that’s just about trust and inspiration!

It’s like the old saying I just made up,  “The buried treasure unveils itself as the winds of time deem it so.” :0) 

Thank you! Have a good day!

Best wishes,

Hailey

Then there was the waiting for the bus, well, waiting for the bus boys. I felt surrendered to the outcome, nothing lose/nothing gained sort of deal… It took nearly three weeks to hear back.  Then the day came that I received the joyous message of “Hey, Hailey! Just got back form a trip and talked to the boys. We would love for the bus to be in your hands!”

VICTORY DANCE!!! I jumped up and down, up and down!
I would have become a meme had someone been recording me.

The universe listened to the intent I had set:
“I will move to California, if I have a place to live!”
And, alas the bus appeared— and three months later, I moved into it.
It’s just a short drive down the mountain to Los Angeles.

Most current update: It’s in the active process of being converted into a full time living space by New Monument Construction (my Uncle Tom). Stove, oven, solar power are in.  Running water, sink, and composting toilet on it’s way!

And, the Hailey on the bus, keeps dreaming big & wide, big & wide, big & wide….
While the wheels in her head go round & round, round & round, round & round…
The possibilities of life keep moving back & forth, back & forth, back & forth…
And the Nut on the bus… is just having a good time being a lil’ Nut, lil’ Nut, lil’ Nut!

As a Pioneer Woman…

Two and a half weeks ago, I jammed packed my Prius Covered Wagon and headed for the Western Frontier. As I backed away from my house, my friends cheered, “YAY! YOU’RE FOLLOWING YOUR DREAMS!!!” I smiled, waved, and I drove off into the setting sun with a massive storm on my tail as my blessing.

As a pioneer woman, it is now my time to settle into a life that paves the way for true love find me— in all it’s many expressions (i.e. in a partner, creative + healing arts, a way of life in general, and so on).  It is now my time to live in an environment that is filled the promise of possibilities that express themselves as probabilities that actively become realities! (yeah, read that again, then say it five times fast!)

It took me a day and a half to get to Northern California. And it felt like a leisurely drive! :0)

For the first week, I set up camp in a small town, one with rolling mountains and pine trees. The fresh morning air waking everyday me with its gentle kisses and filling me with gratitude to a way of being that revives my soul. During this week, I relax into the sweet sensation of peace of the heart + mind, regardless of circumstance. Each day I arrive and arise into a pretense and availability I that have not known before. I quickly step into courage and faith in the unknown: surrender and allow the magical mystery to unfold. This first week, my life feels like a movie— perhaps a romantic comedy or heroic tale of adventure? Regardless of the theme, it is vibrant and exciting!

The second week, I venture through small towns in NorCal, feeling out where I could create theatre things, be that shows, camps, programs, etc. Then I journey to SoOre to visit my beautiful friend Wisteria, her sweet newborn, and her honey in their little love nest. Then I explore love and the land a little more before heading to my bus in SoCal.

At the start of the third week, I arrive at my bus in the mystical mountain meadow. It is dark and 44 degrees! The drive was eight hours, and the last part was very curvy. I walk into the bus, which is very uneven on the earth, which is very disorienting. I have the thought, “Hailey, what if you don’t like living on a bus?” This is the first time I have asked myself this question, which is hilarious to me. I think things through in a very odd way. I quickly put this thought and myself to bed. I slept very cozily with my down comforter on my new mattress!

Nut and I have been really enjoying the simplicity of this new life. Right now, it’s elevated camping— but soon it’ll be the perfect home for a gal and her pup. The bus is all active with solar power. And today, my Uncle Tom installed the stove and oven. Soon there will be a water holding tank and a sink! And I set up Christmas lights over my bednook, so after the sun sets the end of my bus is cheerfully illuminated. And without internet or cell reception, this isolated experience has allowed me to dive deep into those voices in my head that have been talking for awhile. I’ve started writing a script of some kind! It’s been a long time since I’ve written in this way, and that feels really good. I’m also enjoying the intensity full moon as I reflect on all that is shifting and has shifted in my world.

In a month or so, I’ll have to move the bus off the mountain. Winter here will be too extreme for bus living. Where to go next? What to do? I’ll need to find paying work sooner rather than later. And I have no idea what any of that looks like. So, HERE I AM. And here is a part of there and I’m still going there. But I have arrived here! Yippee!

This journey to settling is very unsettling, as there is still so much to be pieced together. However, I am patient and trusting as the bigger picture of this new book of my life unveils itself.

Thanks for all the support and love. ❤

And for a recent video update of my newest song: We Will Meet Again!

Summer of Soul: A Very Tasty Sandwich

My summer teaching tour has ended/two and half months of my gypsy clown lifestyle has come to a close… well… for now anyway!

The last camp I taught was on a medicinal pot farm in an intentional community in Oregon. The camp itself of was little chaotic (a very diverse age group), but my time there was most valuable. I gained important life knowledge about tree graphing, bee keeping, salmon fishing, and weed trimming… I also dreamed vividly under the stars and gained powerful new understanding of soul love.

                                    

Nut also had some learning experiences, like Alpacas are not friends and want to stomps tiny creatures to death. THEY ARE NOT PLAYING, NUTMEG!
She also tried to swim off with the river otters, but as she battled the cold, rapid currents (with me close behind her, just in case), she circled back around to the shore in full realization that I am her true family.

This summer has brought me great fortune, although not in the traditional sense. All the searching, purging, healing, and love was perfectly placed into this summer of the soul. I arrived back in Kansas City a week ago, perfectly prepared to make the changes I need to in beginning my next phase of my life.

Now, describing my next phase of life is like trying to list out all the ingredients of a very large, very tasty sandwich, one with a super secret special sauce!

I will share what I do know:

For the time being, I’ve decided not to sell my house, “The Circus”. Instead, I am creating  a new business model, one that supports continued growth of this intentional community. A dear friend will be moving in to “hold the fort”, while a small network of other artists will step in to assist “the traveling Circus”. This decision was influenced hugely by the site of my travel alter upon returning.

This healing home is a unique, beneficial platform for many to actualize their dreams— some big, some small, but all dreams are important nevertheless. For travelers, an affordable place to stay that offers that comfort of home. For tenants, a place to transition or to learn about community. For it’s helpers, easy dough and a flexible schedule. For me, the financial foundations to enact my soul’s purpose. For the home itself, many improvements and getting to be being an alchemical container for all to grow!

Soon (estimated by end of September), I will be moving to my mystical mountain meadow property two hours from LA (in good traffic). There my 242 square foot magical bus is being renovated into a full time living space. (I will be writing the full story of the bus soon). The bus is mobile, so once I get comfortable driving it, we can go anywhere. But for now it’s a rent free property! And such a small space allows me time to fully explore my work in poetic comedy. I’m not sure how these creations will manifest, but I am excited for the opportunities and connections available to me in California to explore. I am also overjoyed to be finally fulfilling a life long dream, one that I now have the tools and confidence to actualize!

What a journey it has been and will continue to be!

There are lots of puzzle pieces still percolating… and only time will tell how their stories unfold.

I am thankful that, more so now than ever before in my life, I feel a great comfort in soul love and in deep trust in the universal flow.

I know that I am held, and worry not as I make choices that send me surfing through the abyss.

Until next time!

 

​

… And Baseball.

Currently in Oregon— teaching a camp to mostly the littles (aged around four)! I am very inspired by the community and the place I am teaching. The flow intrigues me and I am grateful to be exposed to so much diversity of life on the road.

Performing and teaching in different places requires an adaptability that inspires me. Everyone has their own dynamics, each place with its own energy to fuse with.

In Humboldt, I played my ukulele and two original songs at my first open mic. I was encouraged by many, but I hesitated because my vibe was very different than the electric guitars and reggae that played before. They set me up, and the bar came to stillness as they listened to my songs. Before playing, I visualized my music filling the bar with a pure sort of love. After playing, I was blessed with that very love and encouragement. Pretty groovy!

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Then there was the journey to the baseball games in SF, which the field had a very different energy than anywhere else I’ve been, complete with the organic food vendors and in between inning recycling crews. It was maybe too chill for a baseball game…

The Cubs also lost on my birthday and none of the players even acknowledged my sign (not even Rizzo, who is also birthdaying on 8/8/89). I even made a birthday wish by blowing on a peanut shell, and still nothing!

Small back story: I’ve been having these dreams about the Cubs players for since the playoffs began last year. That’s how I knew they were going to go to the World Series! I’d have about two or three dreams a month, and my getting to know the team unfolded as a linear relationship would. The Cubs players showing me a love, respect, and admiration that I crave in my waking life. They provided a support that made it possible for me to get through the intensity of the last year.

By going to the baseball games, I have been chasing my dreams. Maybe if they see me, their hearts will be activated and I will be held by a man who is strong in himself!!! I was a little lost in the dreams vs. reality, missing the metaphor that was offered to me. Something changed on the way to the last game, where I began to look deep into the eyes of the fans around me… I was looking to connect once again with the eyes of my river love! My Prince Charming!

You see, when him and I parted ways, we didn’t exchange information. He hugged and kissed me and told me, “We’ll see each other again.” There wasn’t even an inkling of bullshit in that! In deep soul connections, I trust. SO ROMANTIC!

Driving back up the coast the day after my birthday, I realized that the baseball team represented this band of brothers I met by the river, they were the physical manifestation of my dreams. In the embrace of “river love”, I felt the chivalry and the strength of the masculine I have been longing at least a life time for.

I picked up NutMeg from the Dachshund puppy palace (aka a sweet couple with three dachshunds of their own). Nut was excited to see me, but it wasn’t even comparable to the excitement I experienced upon arriving back to my favorite spot at the turn of the river.

As I pulled up to my campsite, the band of brothers were all there, with dinner ready! It was good to see them again, but seeing him… I have never seen someone so lit up by my presence and I by theirs. The meeting of our eyes taking us into the world where only him and I exist, fueling a smile that only the light of the soul can generate. Wow, wow, wow. !!!

I am so incredibly grateful for these incredibly healing encounters. No expectations, only presence, love, and respect.

And all the learning, as the last week, has propelled me a deeper understanding of fate versus destiny.

Fate is “inevitable”, destiny is a collaboration.

For the last several years I have battled with the free will of a guy who I felt fated to be with. Even as early as our first encounter, I had lucid dreams and visions about our journey together, including creative projects, marriage, and children. I could see it all, things he would say to me would immediately alter my understanding in an instant and I was committed to something on a level so deep I couldn’t even argue with.

Five years ago, that guy and I went on a camping/canoe trip. We navigated the river currents well together, taking sharp turns with valiant courage. When a split in the river would appear, so would a majestic blue heron. As we would approach the time to make a choice, the bird would lift its wings and guide us to the best direction possible. We encountered a serene river lagoon, we looked into each other’s eyes and celebrated the beauty of our time together. When the river took us forth, we went with it, paddling as we saw fit so.

Then there was the split into rapid, shallow waters. A rabid raccoon ran across the way. I feared snakes in the water as he asked me to get out and pull the canoe. Should we turn back? No. We made it forward into deep murky waters and sat in silence. Floating along. He looked so handsome in the colors of the setting sun. The moon rise brought stillness as we navigated the dark night, the quiet waters to our take-out point, where we hoped someone would meet us. We were received, sitting in the truck cabin, we held hands through the winding roads. The drive back to the campsite lit by headlights and the full moon.

We always said this canoe trip was a mirror to our relationship. In a canoe, subject to whatever the river guided us too. For years, I sat in this canoe, loyalty runs strong in my blood. He challenged the fate by using his free will to push me away, and I stayed close trapped in a dance that was both illuminating and extremely toxic.

Fate is the canoe on the river, destiny is the river. The river collaborates with the rain, flooding, transforming, shaping the land. The river merges with other streams and rivers. I am no longer in a canoe. I have released the fate and the guy that was attached to it. I am a river, rich with life, on a co-creative path of destiny. I have reclaimed my myself, my strength! My lioness nature roaring like the rapid waters.

The funny thing about all this is fate informs destiny.

Had a not journeyed as full and committed as I had the last six years, I would not have been initiated into a rooting knowing of unconditional love or being a Cubs fan!

The first conversation with my river love began with none other than baseball… 

Here’s the song I wrote last week. Enjoy! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M2AKHOjAiSI

Peace & Love y’all.

(Mount Shasta… where I spent the night to watch the meteor shower!) 

Dark Ages Bring Great Changes.

For the last little over a month, I have been in the dark ages— i.e. mostly off grid, out of power, out of service, out of my mind.

And at the times I have had charge and wifi, I’ve been too far in the depths of a deep soul cleansing to write anything other than tears. And those don’t really process on a computer screen! I’ll save those entries for the book I will one day write.

In these recent weeks, I have ascended… up the West Coast.
From Los Angeles to Humboldt County I have journeyed.

The Prius my vessel, The Nut my first and only mate.

We have been by the sea, river, by tree(s).

Meditating in mystical mountain meadows, isolated from all to see.

I’ve had two theatre camps since my last writing.
Willow Creek was a blessing.
South Lake Tahoe was a lesson.
Overall, the summer teaching tour has been a flop.
Eleven camps planned, four realized, possibly two more (but likely not).

This week I came back to Humboldt to camp by the river, to paint, write songs.

I feel a sense of community here. A sense of home. Peace without having to work for it.

The interactions I have had here have brought powerful healing to my heart and spirit. My body miraculously purged of woeful memories by both the river… and by an odd instance of somehow falling off a bench, where I was caught by a strong man (and he didn’t even spill his beer).

For the first time ever in falling, I didn’t feel like a fool…

I felt like a woman, a fully illuminated goddess, surrendering herself to the world.
The longing for a beloved who never fully arrived was instantly released. And in that moment, a current of love came in so strong that time froze.

A special moment. (SURELY THIS IS MY PRINCE!)

I kid, however, the unexpected soulmate is the best part of the journey.
It’s the most magic of all tools.

The unexpected nature excites me, but most have no idea what to do with this soul activation. They think it is my fault that they are feeling beyond themselves. This is one of my favorite parts of the process. They begin to ask me questions like: “Do you control the moon?” … “Did you cast a spell on me?” … or most recently (and my favorite thus far) “I don’t know what’s going on, but I think you are my spirit animal.”

I learn how to best communicate to them through a quick prompting of our soul contract and a glimpse into our past lives.  This communication has to be graceful. Some move best with just a glance or touch, some with direct words and fancy terminology, and others need metaphor (plays, poems, songs).

I could share the details of how his presence healed some of the deep seeded turmoil, how it rekindled my belief in supportive, loving relationships, very precisely within a twenty four hour period… But, again, that is probably best suited for the book.

For now, I will express the gratitude for all the recent moments that brought me to this time. To these soul shifting perspectives, the light of the almost full moon, which I write under right now. It glistens through the trees by the laughing river. She encourages me to dance, to celebrate this love, this light, this time.

Today, I turn 28 years old. Although, I did not physically die during my rockstar year— I have purged enough to die and be reborn. With my wounds from childhood nearly healed, my hopes and dreams have resurfaced, I am now equipped with the tools and more confidence to set out to achieve them.

I know each piece of the puzzle as I find it. It’s been a slow coming together, but a larger picture of my life is being revealed. I am excited!

Currently in San Francisco to be birthdaying and the Cubs vs. Giant games.

This summer has been whack-ass. But, most adventures worth sharing contain some element of that or another.

The life I dream is not ruled by fate— The life I dream is lived by my destiny, as I co-create it to be.

Live Love. ❤

(you cannot always run from the thinks lurking behind you)

(cloudy) Sunny California

And now for a somewhat simplistic update of my first two weeks in California:

• 4 theatre camps cancelled. (2 Lake Arrowhead, 1 Calistoga, 1 Orick). Grrr.
• 1 gifted school bus to me! I will do a full blog on this exciting event soon.
• 2 short theatre workshops. Yay!
• 1 event of scaring a bear away and saving the chickens from a gruesome death.
• 1 event of saving chihuahua from being eaten by a hawk.
• 2 Mountain badges of courage awarded / mountain cred.
• 4 visits with old friends!
• 9 incidents of being woken up by noisy neighbors, the Coyotes.
• 1 collision. As I “safetly” merged into left lane, a speeding car zoomed by to hit me.
• 3 foxtails (evil grass) stuck in Nut’s ear. Expensive vet visit. Poor Puppy.
• 1 long heat wave. 90+ degree weather. No air-conditioning. Brain dead.
• 1 successful, FUN theatre camp. We created a play titled, “It’s All Good”… and it was!
• 2 original videos uploaded. Poem: “So You Cannot Forget” . Song: “I Know, I Know”
• 1 unusual bruise.
• 1 account of trying to weed wack my property. Awkward clown times.
• 2 days of feeling bummed about Kyle Schwarber being sent back to the Iowa Cubs….
• 3 situations of Nut getting caught up in trying to become friends with the chickens.

It’s been a bit of a bumpy ride the last two weeks, but I’ve held the mantra of:
“Bummers clear the way for the betters.” (best spoken in the voice of my clown).

Human Knot + Nut!

Nut Getting Caught up in the Chickens. She just can’t get through to them!

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Reflective Thoughts: Somewhat Scattered as the heat is melting my brain.

The last several years have been a continuous phoenix.
It is an intense process to create and destroy within such short periods of time. Imagine spending months building your dream house to only have is demolished the day after completion. That’s what’s it’s been like for me on various different levels.
Comfort is not an option.
Lessons of polarity have come through the strongest by way of intense pain & soul purging. A magical elixir! Through the dance of love, duality becomes one. Creation and destruction of equal importance. In my journey, I am frequently reminded
that it is the nightmare that is catalyst for the fairytale.
Example: Snow White’s dense journey through the wood before finding the retreat of Dwarf’s cottage. Or her choking on an apple that eventually leads to her re-awakening by true love’s kiss.

It is love that gives us the courage to live and die– to create and destroy– to realize and release our greatest fears– to understand and heal our deepest wounds.  It is in true love that we face our true self. Love expands. Sending light to the shadows and illuminating darkest depths of our being, bring forth the pains we tried so hard to bury. The tears flood the being to create new life and only then can laughter be found in the imperfections. The light reveals the details of the darkness, and it is from here that stories are realized, as well as, released.

Love is the driving force for all transformative journeys.

And it is through this LOVE that I grow everyday. LOVE will guide me through plundering depths of my own being to bring about powerful creations– be that blogs, songs, poems, scripts, screenplays, paintings, bus homes, movement, interaction, and so on… IT’S ON YA’LL!

looking out while looking within.

Stillness = 72 mph

While traveling at 72 miles per hour, I have relished in the stillness around me. No music, no distractions, except maybe the annoying, comical voices in my head.
“You’re not in Kansas anymore.” … (ha ha. dry laughter) this has never been a funny joke…
“No shit, Sherlock— Is that why my bagel isn’t so “great plain” anymore?” … (hah! real laughter) now that’s funny!

… Ah, okay.

So… I have made it across the plains, over mountains, past the dessert, through woods, and no where near grandma’s house. It has been a leisurely, yet not dilly-dallyingly westward adventure. Every moment a chance for inward expansion to provoke outward movement. Every interaction along the way an opportunity for growth, a lesson. This has been my time to plunge deep into my beingness.

My solo journeys have become vision quests, a sacred time to sort out the BIG questions.

Questions like: What is going on in the depths of my being? What is floating around my auric field? … What are my wildest dreams and what does it feel like to have them manifest fully? What is blocking me from experiencing life as my greatest self, living in the truth of my soul? … Where can I get a bagel near here? Do I need a bagel– Everything?! With cream cheese? … Um. Also is there an update on the current price of tea in China? (RIOTOUS LAUGHTER!)

It is very important to ask these kinds of questions.
It is also very important to truly listen for answers.
And these answers often appear in the most unusual ways…
Billboards, songs that pop into your head, dreams, complete knowingness, animals, rocks, etc…

FLASHBACK!

I first learned this type of listening three years ago, when I took an intuitive road trip. No map, no plan— just the open road, a window of time, and an eagerness to listen. At the start of that trip, a soul sister suggested Ojo Caliente for a mineral hot springs bath. I said yes to that, who wouldn’t?! — and after half a day of soaking in sacred waters, I ventured through Chaco Canyon. It was there I began to hear rocks talk.

Now, if you want to take it to the next level of crazy, ask your dog if she too can hear the rocks talk. I joke, as it was clear to me… I heard their chants and I saw the faces of Tribal Elders within them. I heard over and over again, “Red Rocks! Red Rocks! Red Rocks!” … I did not know what this meant. I kept driving towards Phoenix, but when I googled it, the first thing that came up was “Sedona: Home of the Red Rocks.” I read nothing more, the path was clear, and I knew now where I was meant to be.

Along the way, I experienced agonizing jaw pain, which had been on going for months. I had a vision of turquoise earrings and was told turquoise would heal me. I stopped at a side of the road shop, where the small studs from my vision awaited my purchase. I put the earrings in and my jaw pain vanished within minutes. I don’t know a lot about the healing properties of stones, so that was miraculous to me. I hopped into my car and begin to drive, seeing my rear view mirror that three Indian elders had climbed into my backseat. I didn’t recall picking up hitchhikers, but there they were, clear as day in my third eye. Yeah, the third eye. It’s real, ya’ll. And seeing through the third eye can be described as seeing the unseen, or seeing something that is more light than it is matter. If that knowing that “matters” to you. (gosh, funny stuff, man!)

Now, there are mind altering substances (psychedelics) that can facilitate states of prolonged heightened spiritual awareness. These stimulants were naturally created as temporary tools to help the body surrender more fully and learn to navigate the light realms. For me, this time at least, my third eye was super activated without such tools. I was driving, after all and as a friend of mine would say, “Safety First”.

So, I made it to Sedona late that night, I ate cold soup, and slept in my car in a free parking lot. Free parking, yes! The next morning, I awoke to the most stunning landscape— Cathedral Rock not far from me. What was this magical place? I drove around town to find many new age bookstores. Soon, I decided to stop in one. I was “mysteriously” lead to a medicine woman wearing all turquoise. Rema Thundercloud– “and don’t you forget it,” she said to me. We froze upon seeing each other, it was an instant recognition of souls. We had purpose for meeting.

The next day, Rema and I went on a shamanic journey. She took me to the base of a structure in the hills that looked like a goddess holding a small child. As soon as Rema began to shake her turtle shell rattle, the winds began to circle around me. Rema said, “Hailey, I want you to know that this is not a dream. This is really happening.” Now, it was a windy day, but the way this wind moved around me was nothing but Spirit. I felt like Pocahontas, dancing in the colors of the wind. When Rema stopped shaking her rattle, the wind stopped and we were both crying. Birds surrounded us with messages, the mountain’s aura told us what was to come, and we listened to the sacred song within our hearts. Somehow we sang it together, the ancient words bringing life, light and love, to all.

It was a journey I’ll never forget. And in many ways it paved the way for the trust and surrender I would need in my travels to India, the ones that I was not yet aware of…

AND NOW… BACK TO MORE PRESENT TIME!

This year’s intuitive drive was a little different. For one, I am driving an amazing Prius hatchback hybrid, instead of a Honda Civic sedan. Awesome gas milage. And this is much easier for sleeping, no more clown acrobatics in the back seat. For two, I am much more filled with my own intuitive wisdom. I am not seeking those who can tell me, but instead listening as a I am told. For three, things are just different now, I am more whole in my soul– and happy with the way things are instead of how I wish them to be. Peace of heart, peace of mind, peace is where the happiness lies.

As I crossed the threshold of the West this year, I ventured to Indian Hot Springs to do my purification for the journey to come. Hot Springs are obviously a crucial part of any westward movement. These were particularly cool cause they were in a cave! Rebirth! … And from there, I slept in a mountain valley, then took the highways that seemed to be going towards where I was meant to be.

At some point, I found myself on “the Way of the Ancestors”– complete with a sign said I was on a “historic right of way”. This felt appropriate for the solo shamanic journey I was on. I soon found a desolate campground, somewhere in Colorado, Utah, New Mexico, or Arizona. There’s really no telling where I was, and it didn’t matter, as I was in the hands of the Great Spirit.

With the hatch open and windows down, I meditated for several hours. The wind offered up the wisdom of sacred mandalas and visions to provoke deeper understanding of my current phase of transformation. I came to understand the role of the modern alchemist. There is only so much we can know about our experience at any given time. However, there is great strength in understanding how our current actions are impacting the unfolding of our future. It’s all perfectly designed and not as linear as we might believe. I also learned the difference between fantasy of this and reality is ACTION. Our power lies in acting upon on pure intuitive impulse, free of fear, and trusting the bigger picture.

Later that evening, I danced in the dessert sunset and was struck silent by the rise of the full moon over the distant mountains. “It’s time to wake up” she seemed to say. And as nature bowed to nature, I knew what she meant. There would be no more daydreaming about what could be, instead only acting upon what is.

The next day, along my drive, I saw a billboard that said, “Don’t call it a dream, call it a plan!”

And that sounds like a plan to me.