epiphany of breath

Over the course of the last month, I have probably written over eight almost blog posts.  Then a day or two goes by… and I think, well, that’s probably TOO much to send to people. Maybe I’m sharing too much of my inner process, also people probably don’t want to hear about my trials and tribulations or every breakthrough I have regarding what I am trying to cultivate in my life and the frustration of it not arriving.

Then today happened. I had a minor epiphany while I was promoting myself as a teacher for a local organization.

“I believe that if you get kids to create their own material instead of handing them a script to memorize… they feel more confident because they created it themselves so they can’t do it wrong.”

I heard myself say that and thought, Hailey. Why is that voice of your inner critique dominating everything? If you create it yourself, you can’t do it wrong.

So that’s where I am at. I write and create a lot… in fact I generate so much that I’m really unclear on what the outlet for it is… or how to organize it into something SUBSTANTIAL, like a book or a sitcom. So, that’s the next breakthrough that needs to occur.

One of my students after class today asked me if I could read something she wrote because she wants to be a writer when she grows up. It was one of those moments where you realize that someone respects you and values your opinion. And trusts you enough to reveal something that means a lot to them. I was incredibly moved.

I look back over March and honestly… It was a month that happened. Things be happening and I be growing from them— same ole’ same ole’… But something internally is shifting in a way that is very different from the rest of my life. That shift can be simplified as feeling a stronger understanding and commitment to my self worth.

As I look more into making the transition to LA, I feel really clear about kind of environment I want to live in, what kind of “side” jobs I am willing to take, and what my bullshit tolerance is in my inner personal and work relationships. It feels great, but it’s also challenging because the more you value yourself, the more the things and people who don’t value you start to fall away. So, your left with the foundational pillars, which sometimes can be pretty surprising.

I take the blame for almost everything that happens in my life. In painful relationships, in bad business, in just the bullshit that happens between people. And in some ways this really serves me because I face the shit that many people run far away from, only to experience it time and time again. That one toxic relationship, as ridiculous as it was, really made me address sexual abuse from the past and a lot of my childhood relational issues. I couldn’t run, in the name of love I had to face the very things that were keeping me from it.

And of course, that still comes up. But now, I see other people and I am being able to more clearly discern what is mine and what is theirs. I’m getting closer and closer to doing this in real time and being able to discuss it with them so it doesn’t become a relationship sabotaging situation. 

But, sometimes I still fail. And then spend countless hours reading internet blogs about communication skills and looking into courses so I can “catch him and keep him”.

But, you know what? Fuck that. I am tired of that. I am taking ownership of my own shit, and my best relationships are with others who also take ownership of their shit. And through that we grow and we love each other more because of that growth.

And also, if you spend too much time watching the news, or reading studies, or obsessively blog posts on the human experience… you forget what you already know. YOU BLOCK OUT YOUR OWN WISDOM. But why? For what?

Just fucking breathe everybody. BREATHE. 

Take deep fucking breathes every time you feel anxious, every time you feel something. Cause guess what, you are supposed to feel— ALL OF IT. All the pain, all the trauma, all the discomfort that whatever you’re going through is bringing up. Through the feels you will learn what the situation is trying to teaching you. And then, you will grow. You will bloom into the radiant human you are intended to be. Filled with your own personal wisdom and the courage to follow your dreams, and to value your worth in the process. That’s what needs to be remembered, so stop looking outside yourself, it’s all right there.

If you want to live a life that inspires you and others, that’s the key.
At least for me anyway.

Seriously Buszarre.

Two months since an update, and I’m wondering if you’re wondering how things have been? In Hailey’s world of make believe you’ve all at least had the passing thought…

Maybe it’s something about being 28.5…
Or the recent plot twists and curve balls I’ve been thrown lately…
Or perhaps it’s the inspiring dynamic with the boyfriend…
If I’m not on my toes, the rest of my feet are touching the ground— Thankfully.My perspective has been shifting, and like your favorite Pokemon you just gave candy to, I am evolving!

 

Updates:
After a series of seriously bizarre tribulations, I am officially selling my house in Kansas City! I am trying to do this in a way that supports the continuation of my Airbnb, as there are investors currently mulling over the idea! If they don’t follow through, the house will be on the market in the next couple of weeks!

My Kansas City visit was mostly odd, but allowed me to address a lot of important things and drop in with some really special people. Being back affirmed that moving to California has been the best choice I’ve ever made for myself.

Upon my return to California, I did a comedy intensive at Second City in LA— where in six days we wrote, memorized, performed a forty-five minute Valentines’ Day Revue.  Someone taped it, so if you’d like to watch it, I’d love to get your feedback! (I solo wrote four of the sketches, then collaborated a few of the others— fun game! Guess which ones I wrote!) https://vimeo.com/256334576

The experience was very positive. And further affirmed my desire to be more active in generating and performing comedy in the coming years.

To do that… I’m gonna need to move closer to LA!

There is no real timeline on when these things will occur. I feel good about the direction, and all will unfold as it should! Taking inspired action!

Upon my return to the mountain, I received two different calls regarding teaching opportunities. I was referred through recommendations from various members of the community. That’s pretty rad!

It’s been cold as snowballs in the bus. That’s probably because it has been snowing. My little wood stove does good up to a certain point of cold, then I gotta use the propane stove (which is hella pricey). I love being here, the stillness and rustic nature of it all. But, I do look forward to living somewhere where I will have enough running water to bathe in my own home… although then I will miss my composting toilet because it’s the coolest way to shit! My bus can be my mountain home, that I imagine I will still visit frequently.
​​

Pondering​s​ of Bus Isolation:
If there was no “I”, would there still be a problem? And if there was still a problem, could it be resolved? Being selfless is removing the ego from the situation. There are situations where things need to be addressed, shifted, changed— the personality can often sabotage the situation, thus inhibiting the work from getting done easily.It would be great if we could discuss differences without creating separation.

How well do we ever know someone? A friend of many years walk away in an instant, when seemingly  strangers can lift you up and hold you tight through heartaches. In this, perhaps we should honor the impulsivity in enjoying our relationships when they are available for us. This would enhance our everyday appreciation for the people who show up in our lives. This is also a mark for gratitude in honoring the being we wake up next two in the morning. I’M SO GRATEFUL YOU ARE HERE!

Honoring your word is one of the most important principles when it comes to respecting yourself and others.

What happens when we can see love in every thing we encounter? Someone walking away, a mark of love (for themselves or you). Gas stations, a mark of love (they exist so we can get to the things we love). Can we fill the world with more love by seeing love in everything? Can we find more harmony and compassion in our actions and that of others? Can we find the source of why certain actions feel to be the void of love?

Believing  in someone’s experience, whether or not you believe in for yourself, is a true mark of love.

The most passionate love, the kind of love where all points meet (communication, humor, sex, love languages all in perfect alignment), might not be the most practical love.
There might be a time where practicality transcends the soul’s passion.

(this thought is a mark of death to much of my internal existence)

The more you commit to love, the more you grow.

—

——————————

       Hailey Jones

Actor/Creator:Teacher/Healer

     theHaileyJones.com

Mountain Times: Read all About it!

It has been a busy couple of weeks on the mountain. So much so, that the stillness and intense feelings of isolation of my arrival are now a distant memory.

In Bus News!

I had my first guests at the Magic Bus! Some Dell’Arte alumni popped up from down the hill and stayed for two wonderful nights. Per bus overnight guests tradition, everyone brought a unique to them magnet. They also filled the bus with jokes, laughter, and lovely exchanges of life. Turns out the bus hosts six people for dinner and sleeping comfortably. It’s also much warmer the more bodies are in here.

The stove finally arrived, but it was not possible to locally locate pipes for it’s tiny ventilation hole. So, they too had to be ordered from online. They are supposed to arrive this week, and install will happen as soon as they arrive!

Nut and I were lucky to be able to house sit for a few days last weekend. My Thanksgiving was sitting and watching all of season 2 of Stranger Things.  The next day, I also did not get off the catch catching up on various shows. The weekend, I was fairly productive in handling business stuff online… But overall, it made me realize that I am very grateful not to have internet or reception in the bus— as I meditate/sleep deeper and use my life energy way more productively (i.e. writing!)

Nut and I have been back to roughing the cold for the last couple of nights. We have a little propane heater that’s assisting in keeping us warm— but it GOBBLES propane like many of you gobbled turkey on Thanksgiving—NO MERCY! So, I don’t leave it on all the time cause it ain’t cheap— and even though I have a window open, I still worry about it winning the battle with oxygen or setting my blankets on fire. Death by heater, no thank you!

Ah, good times.

In “Work” News!

Now unfolding is the dynamics of navigating within a new creative environment.

I am very, very grateful to have found a place where my elf like spirit thrives!

A place where the lines are blurred to if you are pretending to believe or truly do believe.

I’m learning about:
ensemble.
stepping up, without stepping on.
entertainment meeting art.  (or for me ART meeting entertainment)
invoking village camaraderie (through special handshakes and mystery letters)
I’ve been writing songs for the shows, creating silly bits, and having a wonderful time.

It’s literally been Christmas everyday since November 9th, and I am so glad about that.

Having this job has not only been good for me creatively, but also for my social life. I’ve met a couple friends that are totally rad. Sometimes we all go ice skating after work together, hang out at pub chatting, or hatching up creative + yoga plans around town.

I finding my people! And I’m so glad!

In Other News!

Had a lovely Sunday Thanksgiving in the Little Log Cabin (Aunt Emily + Uncle Tom’s home). Last year, I was in Peru for Thanksgiving, so it was nice to celebrate with Family!

I am helping out at the community theatre with their production of the Christmas Carol. This is a part of a ploy in trying to find the other actor/creators here on the mountain. I want to get some children’s theatre happening as well as will need some assistance in reading this new script once it’s completed.

Possibility of my coming back to KC in late January thru mid February for theatre work… but we will see. Gotta follow the strongest momentum and I am not exactly sure what that is right now! Taking it as it comes, but prepared for how it goes. And enjoying every moment of it. California has been home in my heart for a long time, glad it’s now home to my body!

*victory dance! oh yeah!*

Oh My Gumdrops!

As I drive to work, I briefly glance over the mountain’s edge, where a valley of clouds appear like an ocean. This image further justifies the whimsicality of the place where I began employment last week. True to it’s name, it appears to be a forest in the sky.

The first time I entered this storybook village, I giggled with delight. It was a dress rehearsal night and my inner child was overjoyed to be in the presence of FOUR Santas at one time!!!

As a village performer, I get to be a woodland princess, which is funny because I don’t recall ever being one of those little girls who “wanted to be a princess when she grew up.”  I certainly played princess, but I’ve never felt a since of entitlement so strong as to want to become one. The only thing that ever interested me about being a princess was being able to talk to animals and finding my one true love. — Which is what I’m on track to doing anyway, why complicate the already complicated throw ruling a Kingdom into the mix?

Luckily, I’m not a princess everyday… Sometimes I’m a gingerbread cookie, which works well because I’m one tough cookie— although it’s hard to run, run, run as fast as you can when you can hardly see anything, including the child eating your cousin in front of you. Yep, every day is filled with Christmas magic!

It’s a funny place to work, no one knows each others real names, especially right now since the season just begun. I am proud to share that my new friends are Peanut, Princess Sugar, and Stitch- the costume elf.

GumDrop the Greeter Elf told me, “I love working here. It makes me feel like a kid again.”
“I can tell, you’re radiating with youth,” I replied, feeling lifted by his excitement for life.
He smiled, screamed, and shook his body, “OH NO! I’M RADIATING!”

I’m still laughing and this happened over four days ago. GumDrop is truly my favorite elf.  I know you shouldn’t have a favorite elf because their all unique in their own way, but he’s perfect in every way!

I asked if there was going to be a Christmas Party… or if that was just everyday.

They looked at me as if I belonged on the naughty list for asking such a silly question.

I think I’ve found my people. I’m not sure how I’ll survive after the season completes!

Overall, it’s an exciting job as there are opportunities for collaboration, creation, and play. It also gives me some sort of social interaction on the mountain, which was quickly becoming a necessity for me. BusLife with no internet/cell reception has been INTENSE, ya’ll. It was an adjustment to not be able to binge watch all the shows you want to! Or text someone as you feel like it. Or look something up because you don’t actually know how to cook tofu…

I mean, seriously, I was to the point where I spending several hours a day trying to talk to birds and developing a deep practice of watching the unique way incense smoke moves about the space. I also re-read all of the dreams from my dream-log from the last five years (which unveiled some truly FASCINATING things). If I had a science mind, I’d Carl Jung it out for you, but instead I will allude to it’s magic in my creative writings since many of you are skeptical of my way of existing anyway. Not skeptical of me, just how I take movement in my life. Dreams tells you everything, once you learn their codes. ;0)

Now, with a little bit of routine and balance, I feel more “stable” emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually than I ever have in my adult life. I’ve been feeling great about being more off the grid than on it. The long, dark, nearly silent nights take me far beyond away in a manger!

I wrote a short story last night. (I will share it soon!). It was inspired by my wonderings: have the older men playing Santa spent their whole lives wanting to be Santa or did it just happened— and are there are older men who spent their whole lives wanting to become Santa, but physically it just doesn’t happen for them? … These are the questions one asks themselves inside a Gingerbread costume.

Oh my gumdrops! It’s going to be an interesting winter!

Merry Christmas, everyone! Oh… wait, it’s not that time yet. :0)

Bus Life: “The S Way”

Greetings Everyone!

It’s been an exciting couple of weeks in bus land…
Well, as exciting as it can be in a bus with one woman and her tiny dog.

The water tank, pump, hot water heater, and sink have all been installed.
The composting toilet is in full action— someday in the near future I will be growing flowers out of my own shit. And then, I can say to all those who see them, “Look, beautiful things do grow out of your own shit!” :0)

I painted murals in the front and the back. Built a sweet table and have been organizing the space a lot. It’s really nice to be creating a home that can take me anywhere…

The only major thing missing is the wood burning stove. It was supposed to arrive last week, but it was sent to the wrong address, so now there is no telling when it will arrive. In the meantime, NutMeg and I will do our very best to keep each other warm & ALIVE! (It’s been getting into the mid-thirties at night!)

And I still need to figure out how to continually solar power my mini-fridge. Then how to do some small things like hang the thermal curtains, construct countertops, build wheel well covers, and secure everything for my eventual take off. Then we’ll be ready to roll (in the Spring perhaps?).

BUT WHERE is it that I want to go? What is that I’d want to do?

Today, I spoke with a dear friend who reminded me that uncertainty IS a part of the journey. And that’s what makes it great is seeing it unfold.

Yesterday, a family member reminded me that even though I might not be exactly playing out my DREAM, DREAM right now— but, this time is not wasted, because I am learning valuable, valuable skills in learning to live “off the grid”.

I’m in the process of living the  “simplicity, simplicity, simplicity” that Thoreau spoke about. Living in a smaller space is rad!

I’ve have decided to stay up here for the winter, I’m going to “on Walden Pond” it— doing it the “S Way” cause that’s the name of my street. Funds are low and I don’t think winter will be quite as intense as I previously believed it would be, but heck! I could be wrong and this story is about to go all live action update “Into the Wild” on ya’ll.

Kidding.

I applied for a job. In fact, I do believe that the most adult thing I’ve ever done is update my resume AND write a cover letter for a job as a Christmas Elf. I could jingle on and on about how great that would be!

Had my first LA audition, which just felt super cool. It was for an improv class at the Groundlings. I’m not sure how I’ll navigate taking a class twice a week in the city (a friendly couch rotation perhaps)— but it’d be rad to get into a generative flow with people who know what to do with “characters” like me!

I wrote a poem this week. Here is my sharing of it!

Speaking of characters, here’s Nut & I for Halloween. We’re “movin’ right along”.
But one questions still remains: “Man or a Muppet?”

Happy Belated Halloween and Happy November, everyone!

Also, a BIG thank you to everyone who has called, emailed, commented on a post… It’s motivating to keep sharing when I know people are appreciate and/or are inspired by the sharings!

The Gifting of the Magic Bus

The time has come, my friends, to tell you a story of the MAGIC BUS!

Once upon a time ago, in May, I received an email from my dear Aunt Emily, “Weren’t you looking for something like this?” Attached were five photos of a flat nosed Blue Bird School bus, painted white, seats removed, hardwoods installed.

Expressing my immediate excitement, more pieces were unveiled and soon I was on the phone with one of the guys, of the group of guys, that the bus belonged to.

“Yeah, we’re giving it as a gift because we are just ready to see it with new life.”

A FREE BUS? — a bus that just happened to be the exact manifestation of what I had been looking for a year and half prior?

I asked the guy if I could write a letter as to why I would be a good recipient of the bus. He said, “Yeah, write a short paragraph as to what your vision is with the bus and how the universe is supporting you in doing it.”

I immediately write this very charming letter.

Greetings Garrett and other Guardians of the Bus,

Here’s what I’ve been thinking and why the universe is telling me to do it!

Two years ago, I bought a small property on the edge of the San Bernardino National Forest. After my quest for gold on the land turned to out to be a dud, I began to research yurts, draft tiny houses, and explore possibilities of a Keebler elf-like treehouse… but alas, nothing was right. And soon, my Kansas City responsibilities pulled me back home— leaving me with the ghosts of my California dreaming. I returned home, hopeless that my time in California would be nothing more than a long commute to work every summer. 

You see, for the last three summers, I have gone to small communities in California to teach ensemble-based theatre, movement, and clown. Every year, I have expanded the program— and with this came an expanded vision—a THEATRE BUS, that would be something like a 16th century pageant wagon. It was a brilliant and exciting idea, filled with possibility and illuminating potential– until my creative partner in this endeavor moved to LA, and the logistics of buying and renovating a bus became daunting. 

So, I gave up the vision. And instead of a bus, I bought a Prius and would journey on a smaller scale. 

But then, the universe was like “HAILEY! There are bigger plans for you, you aren’t allowed to play small!”

And that’s when “She” was sent to me. 

There she was– appearing seemingly out of nowhere in my email! A vision in of the night, an angel on wheels,  right from my drawing board! It was “She”, the flat nose Bluebird with beautiful flooring, and yet still a blank slate of creation! It was “She” near TO my creative partner, near TO my land, near TO my contractor Uncle, near the start of where my theatre camps began, near TO all my hopes and dreams. 

Talk about a MAGIC SCHOOL BUS, YA’LL!

Recognizing the almost exact manifestation of my theatre bus, I immediately said, “YES! 100% I am in.” 

The logistics no longer a worry– as all the puzzle pieces that once did not make sense will always fall perfectly facilitate a bigger picture.  

I hold a deep trust of that bigger picture and the universe’s orchestration of it. 

A week ago, I told the universe that if I found a new home during my summer teaching tour, I would be more willing to sell my KC home. That’s when “She” arrived! It appears I am in the process of some quantum leaps towards more powerfully stepping into my soul’s bigger calling. And I’m listening! However it unfolds, I honor this very curious and exciting time and your part in the puzzle, even if that’s just about trust and inspiration!

It’s like the old saying I just made up,  “The buried treasure unveils itself as the winds of time deem it so.” :0) 

Thank you! Have a good day!

Best wishes,

Hailey

Then there was the waiting for the bus, well, waiting for the bus boys. I felt surrendered to the outcome, nothing lose/nothing gained sort of deal… It took nearly three weeks to hear back.  Then the day came that I received the joyous message of “Hey, Hailey! Just got back form a trip and talked to the boys. We would love for the bus to be in your hands!”

VICTORY DANCE!!! I jumped up and down, up and down!
I would have become a meme had someone been recording me.

The universe listened to the intent I had set:
“I will move to California, if I have a place to live!”
And, alas the bus appeared— and three months later, I moved into it.
It’s just a short drive down the mountain to Los Angeles.

Most current update: It’s in the active process of being converted into a full time living space by New Monument Construction (my Uncle Tom). Stove, oven, solar power are in.  Running water, sink, and composting toilet on it’s way!

And, the Hailey on the bus, keeps dreaming big & wide, big & wide, big & wide….
While the wheels in her head go round & round, round & round, round & round…
The possibilities of life keep moving back & forth, back & forth, back & forth…
And the Nut on the bus… is just having a good time being a lil’ Nut, lil’ Nut, lil’ Nut!

As a Pioneer Woman…

Two and a half weeks ago, I jammed packed my Prius Covered Wagon and headed for the Western Frontier. As I backed away from my house, my friends cheered, “YAY! YOU’RE FOLLOWING YOUR DREAMS!!!” I smiled, waved, and I drove off into the setting sun with a massive storm on my tail as my blessing.

As a pioneer woman, it is now my time to settle into a life that paves the way for true love find me— in all it’s many expressions (i.e. in a partner, creative + healing arts, a way of life in general, and so on).  It is now my time to live in an environment that is filled the promise of possibilities that express themselves as probabilities that actively become realities! (yeah, read that again, then say it five times fast!)

It took me a day and a half to get to Northern California. And it felt like a leisurely drive! :0)

For the first week, I set up camp in a small town, one with rolling mountains and pine trees. The fresh morning air waking everyday me with its gentle kisses and filling me with gratitude to a way of being that revives my soul. During this week, I relax into the sweet sensation of peace of the heart + mind, regardless of circumstance. Each day I arrive and arise into a pretense and availability I that have not known before. I quickly step into courage and faith in the unknown: surrender and allow the magical mystery to unfold. This first week, my life feels like a movie— perhaps a romantic comedy or heroic tale of adventure? Regardless of the theme, it is vibrant and exciting!

The second week, I venture through small towns in NorCal, feeling out where I could create theatre things, be that shows, camps, programs, etc. Then I journey to SoOre to visit my beautiful friend Wisteria, her sweet newborn, and her honey in their little love nest. Then I explore love and the land a little more before heading to my bus in SoCal.

At the start of the third week, I arrive at my bus in the mystical mountain meadow. It is dark and 44 degrees! The drive was eight hours, and the last part was very curvy. I walk into the bus, which is very uneven on the earth, which is very disorienting. I have the thought, “Hailey, what if you don’t like living on a bus?” This is the first time I have asked myself this question, which is hilarious to me. I think things through in a very odd way. I quickly put this thought and myself to bed. I slept very cozily with my down comforter on my new mattress!

Nut and I have been really enjoying the simplicity of this new life. Right now, it’s elevated camping— but soon it’ll be the perfect home for a gal and her pup. The bus is all active with solar power. And today, my Uncle Tom installed the stove and oven. Soon there will be a water holding tank and a sink! And I set up Christmas lights over my bednook, so after the sun sets the end of my bus is cheerfully illuminated. And without internet or cell reception, this isolated experience has allowed me to dive deep into those voices in my head that have been talking for awhile. I’ve started writing a script of some kind! It’s been a long time since I’ve written in this way, and that feels really good. I’m also enjoying the intensity full moon as I reflect on all that is shifting and has shifted in my world.

In a month or so, I’ll have to move the bus off the mountain. Winter here will be too extreme for bus living. Where to go next? What to do? I’ll need to find paying work sooner rather than later. And I have no idea what any of that looks like. So, HERE I AM. And here is a part of there and I’m still going there. But I have arrived here! Yippee!

This journey to settling is very unsettling, as there is still so much to be pieced together. However, I am patient and trusting as the bigger picture of this new book of my life unveils itself.

Thanks for all the support and love. ❤

And for a recent video update of my newest song: We Will Meet Again!