Oh My Gumdrops!

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As I drive to work, I briefly glance over the mountain’s edge, where a valley of clouds appear like an ocean. This image further justifies the whimsicality of the place where I began employment last week. True to it’s name, it appears to be a forest in the sky.

The first time I entered this storybook village, I giggled with delight. It was a dress rehearsal night and my inner child was overjoyed to be in the presence of FOUR Santas at one time!!!

As a village performer, I get to be a woodland princess, which is funny because I don’t recall ever being one of those little girls who “wanted to be a princess when she grew up.”  I certainly played princess, but I’ve never felt a since of entitlement so strong as to want to become one. The only thing that ever interested me about being a princess was being able to talk to animals and finding my one true love. — Which is what I’m on track to doing anyway, why complicate the already complicated throw ruling a Kingdom into the mix?

Luckily, I’m not a princess everyday… Sometimes I’m a gingerbread cookie, which works well because I’m one tough cookie— although it’s hard to run, run, run as fast as you can when you can hardly see anything, including the child eating your cousin in front of you. Yep, every day is filled with Christmas magic!

It’s a funny place to work, no one knows each others real names, especially right now since the season just begun. I am proud to share that my new friends are Peanut, Princess Sugar, and Stitch- the costume elf.

GumDrop the Greeter Elf told me, “I love working here. It makes me feel like a kid again.”
“I can tell, you’re radiating with youth,” I replied, feeling lifted by his excitement for life.
He smiled, screamed, and shook his body, “OH NO! I’M RADIATING!”

I’m still laughing and this happened over four days ago. GumDrop is truly my favorite elf.  I know you shouldn’t have a favorite elf because their all unique in their own way, but he’s perfect in every way!

I asked if there was going to be a Christmas Party… or if that was just everyday.

They looked at me as if I belonged on the naughty list for asking such a silly question.

I think I’ve found my people. I’m not sure how I’ll survive after the season completes!

Overall, it’s an exciting job as there are opportunities for collaboration, creation, and play. It also gives me some sort of social interaction on the mountain, which was quickly becoming a necessity for me. BusLife with no internet/cell reception has been INTENSE, ya’ll. It was an adjustment to not be able to binge watch all the shows you want to! Or text someone as you feel like it. Or look something up because you don’t actually know how to cook tofu…

I mean, seriously, I was to the point where I spending several hours a day trying to talk to birds and developing a deep practice of watching the unique way incense smoke moves about the space. I also re-read all of the dreams from my dream-log from the last five years (which unveiled some truly FASCINATING things). If I had a science mind, I’d Carl Jung it out for you, but instead I will allude to it’s magic in my creative writings since many of you are skeptical of my way of existing anyway. Not skeptical of me, just how I take movement in my life. Dreams tells you everything, once you learn their codes. ;0)

Now, with a little bit of routine and balance, I feel more “stable” emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually than I ever have in my adult life. I’ve been feeling great about being more off the grid than on it. The long, dark, nearly silent nights take me far beyond away in a manger!

I wrote a short story last night. (I will share it soon!). It was inspired by my wonderings: have the older men playing Santa spent their whole lives wanting to be Santa or did it just happened— and are there are older men who spent their whole lives wanting to become Santa, but physically it just doesn’t happen for them? … These are the questions one asks themselves inside a Gingerbread costume.

Oh my gumdrops! It’s going to be an interesting winter!

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Merry Christmas, everyone! Oh… wait, it’s not that time yet. :0)

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Oh My Gumdrops!

Bus Life: “The S Way”

Greetings Everyone!

It’s been an exciting couple of weeks in bus land…
Well, as exciting as it can be in a bus with one woman and her tiny dog.

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The water tank, pump, hot water heater, and sink have all been installed.
The composting toilet is in full action— someday in the near future I will be growing flowers out of my own shit. And then, I can say to all those who see them, “Look, beautiful things do grow out of your own shit!” :0)

I painted murals in the front and the back. Built a sweet table and have been organizing the space a lot. It’s really nice to be creating a home that can take me anywhere…

The only major thing missing is the wood burning stove. It was supposed to arrive last week, but it was sent to the wrong address, so now there is no telling when it will arrive. In the meantime, NutMeg and I will do our very best to keep each other warm & ALIVE! (It’s been getting into the mid-thirties at night!)
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And I still need to figure out how to continually solar power my mini-fridge. Then how to do some small things like hang the thermal curtains, construct countertops, build wheel well covers, and secure everything for my eventual take off. Then we’ll be ready to roll (in the Spring perhaps?).

BUT WHERE is it that I want to go? What is that I’d want to do?

Today, I spoke with a dear friend who reminded me that uncertainty IS a part of the journey. And that’s what makes it great is seeing it unfold.

Yesterday, a family member reminded me that even though I might not be exactly playing out my DREAM, DREAM right now— but, this time is not wasted, because I am learning valuable, valuable skills in learning to live “off the grid”.

I’m in the process of living the  “simplicity, simplicity, simplicity” that Thoreau spoke about. Living in a smaller space is rad!

I’ve have decided to stay up here for the winter, I’m going to “on Walden Pond” it— doing it the “S Way” cause that’s the name of my street. Funds are low and I don’t think winter will be quite as intense as I previously believed it would be, but heck! I could be wrong and this story is about to go all live action update “Into the Wild” on ya’ll.

Kidding.

I applied for a job. In fact, I do believe that the most adult thing I’ve ever done is update my resume AND write a cover letter for a job as a Christmas Elf. I could jingle on and on about how great that would be!

Had my first LA audition, which just felt super cool. It was for an improv class at the Groundlings. I’m not sure how I’ll navigate taking a class twice a week in the city (a friendly couch rotation perhaps)— but it’d be rad to get into a generative flow with people who know what to do with “characters” like me!

I wrote a poem this week. Here is my sharing of it!

Speaking of characters, here’s Nut & I for Halloween. We’re “movin’ right along”.
But one questions still remains: “Man or a Muppet?”

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Happy Belated Halloween and Happy November, everyone!

Also, a BIG thank you to everyone who has called, emailed, commented on a post… It’s motivating to keep sharing when I know people are appreciate and/or are inspired by the sharings!

Bus Life: “The S Way”

The Gifting of the Magic Bus

The time has come, my friends, to tell you a story of the MAGIC BUS!

Once upon a time ago, in May, I received an email from my dear Aunt Emily, “Weren’t you looking for something like this?” Attached were five photos of a flat nosed Blue Bird School bus, painted white, seats removed, hardwoods installed.

Expressing my immediate excitement, more pieces were unveiled and soon I was on the phone with one of the guys, of the group of guys, that the bus belonged to.

“Yeah, we’re giving it as a gift because we are just ready to see it with new life.”

A FREE BUS? — a bus that just happened to be the exact manifestation of what I had been looking for a year and half prior?

I asked the guy if I could write a letter as to why I would be a good recipient of the bus. He said, “Yeah, write a short paragraph as to what your vision is with the bus and how the universe is supporting you in doing it.”

I immediately write this very charming letter.

Greetings Garrett and other Guardians of the Bus,

Here’s what I’ve been thinking and why the universe is telling me to do it!

Two years ago, I bought a small property on the edge of the San Bernardino National Forest. After my quest for gold on the land turned to out to be a dud, I began to research yurts, draft tiny houses, and explore possibilities of a Keebler elf-like treehouse… but alas, nothing was right. And soon, my Kansas City responsibilities pulled me back home— leaving me with the ghosts of my California dreaming. I returned home, hopeless that my time in California would be nothing more than a long commute to work every summer. 

You see, for the last three summers, I have gone to small communities in California to teach ensemble-based theatre, movement, and clown. Every year, I have expanded the program— and with this came an expanded vision—a THEATRE BUS, that would be something like a 16th century pageant wagon. It was a brilliant and exciting idea, filled with possibility and illuminating potential– until my creative partner in this endeavor moved to LA, and the logistics of buying and renovating a bus became daunting. 

So, I gave up the vision. And instead of a bus, I bought a Prius and would journey on a smaller scale. 

But then, the universe was like “HAILEY! There are bigger plans for you, you aren’t allowed to play small!”

And that’s when “She” was sent to me. 

There she was– appearing seemingly out of nowhere in my email! A vision in of the night, an angel on wheels,  right from my drawing board! It was “She”, the flat nose Bluebird with beautiful flooring, and yet still a blank slate of creation! It was “She” near TO my creative partner, near TO my land, near TO my contractor Uncle, near the start of where my theatre camps began, near TO all my hopes and dreams. 

Talk about a MAGIC SCHOOL BUS, YA’LL!

Recognizing the almost exact manifestation of my theatre bus, I immediately said, “YES! 100% I am in.” 

The logistics no longer a worry– as all the puzzle pieces that once did not make sense will always fall perfectly facilitate a bigger picture.  

I hold a deep trust of that bigger picture and the universe’s orchestration of it. 

A week ago, I told the universe that if I found a new home during my summer teaching tour, I would be more willing to sell my KC home. That’s when “She” arrived! It appears I am in the process of some quantum leaps towards more powerfully stepping into my soul’s bigger calling. And I’m listening! However it unfolds, I honor this very curious and exciting time and your part in the puzzle, even if that’s just about trust and inspiration!

It’s like the old saying I just made up,  “The buried treasure unveils itself as the winds of time deem it so.” :0) 

Thank you! Have a good day!

Best wishes,

Hailey

Then there was the waiting for the bus, well, waiting for the bus boys. I felt surrendered to the outcome, nothing lose/nothing gained sort of deal… It took nearly three weeks to hear back.  Then the day came that I received the joyous message of “Hey, Hailey! Just got back form a trip and talked to the boys. We would love for the bus to be in your hands!”

VICTORY DANCE!!! I jumped up and down, up and down!
I would have become a meme had someone been recording me.

The universe listened to the intent I had set:
“I will move to California, if I have a place to live!”
And, alas the bus appeared— and three months later, I moved into it.
It’s just a short drive down the mountain to Los Angeles.

Most current update: It’s in the active process of being converted into a full time living space by New Monument Construction (my Uncle Tom). Stove, oven, solar power are in.  Running water, sink, and composting toilet on it’s way!

And, the Hailey on the bus, keeps dreaming big & wide, big & wide, big & wide….
While the wheels in her head go round & round, round & round, round & round…
The possibilities of life keep moving back & forth, back & forth, back & forth…
And the Nut on the bus… is just having a good time being a lil’ Nut, lil’ Nut, lil’ Nut!

The Gifting of the Magic Bus

As a Pioneer Woman…

Two and a half weeks ago, I jammed packed my Prius Covered Wagon and headed for the Western Frontier. As I backed away from my house, my friends cheered, “YAY! YOU’RE FOLLOWING YOUR DREAMS!!!” I smiled, waved, and I drove off into the setting sun with a massive storm on my tail as my blessing.

As a pioneer woman, it is now my time to settle into a life that paves the way for true love find me— in all it’s many expressions (i.e. in a partner, creative + healing arts, a way of life in general, and so on).  It is now my time to live in an environment that is filled the promise of possibilities that express themselves as probabilities that actively become realities! (yeah, read that again, then say it five times fast!)

It took me a day and a half to get to Northern California. And it felt like a leisurely drive! :0)

For the first week, I set up camp in a small town, one with rolling mountains and pine trees. The fresh morning air waking everyday me with its gentle kisses and filling me with gratitude to a way of being that revives my soul. During this week, I relax into the sweet sensation of peace of the heart + mind, regardless of circumstance. Each day I arrive and arise into a pretense and availability I that have not known before. I quickly step into courage and faith in the unknown: surrender and allow the magical mystery to unfold. This first week, my life feels like a movie— perhaps a romantic comedy or heroic tale of adventure? Regardless of the theme, it is vibrant and exciting!

The second week, I venture through small towns in NorCal, feeling out where I could create theatre things, be that shows, camps, programs, etc. Then I journey to SoOre to visit my beautiful friend Wisteria, her sweet newborn, and her honey in their little love nest. Then I explore love and the land a little more before heading to my bus in SoCal.

At the start of the third week, I arrive at my bus in the mystical mountain meadow. It is dark and 44 degrees! The drive was eight hours, and the last part was very curvy. I walk into the bus, which is very uneven on the earth, which is very disorienting. I have the thought, “Hailey, what if you don’t like living on a bus?” This is the first time I have asked myself this question, which is hilarious to me. I think things through in a very odd way. I quickly put this thought and myself to bed. I slept very cozily with my down comforter on my new mattress!

Nut and I have been really enjoying the simplicity of this new life. Right now, it’s elevated camping— but soon it’ll be the perfect home for a gal and her pup. The bus is all active with solar power. And today, my Uncle Tom installed the stove and oven. Soon there will be a water holding tank and a sink! And I set up Christmas lights over my bednook, so after the sun sets the end of my bus is cheerfully illuminated. And without internet or cell reception, this isolated experience has allowed me to dive deep into those voices in my head that have been talking for awhile. I’ve started writing a script of some kind! It’s been a long time since I’ve written in this way, and that feels really good. I’m also enjoying the intensity full moon as I reflect on all that is shifting and has shifted in my world.

In a month or so, I’ll have to move the bus off the mountain. Winter here will be too extreme for bus living. Where to go next? What to do? I’ll need to find paying work sooner rather than later. And I have no idea what any of that looks like. So, HERE I AM. And here is a part of there and I’m still going there. But I have arrived here! Yippee!

This journey to settling is very unsettling, as there is still so much to be pieced together. However, I am patient and trusting as the bigger picture of this new book of my life unveils itself.

Thanks for all the support and love. ❤

And for a recent video update of my newest song: We Will Meet Again!

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As a Pioneer Woman…

Summer of Soul: A Very Tasty Sandwich

My summer teaching tour has ended/two and half months of my gypsy clown lifestyle has come to a close… well… for now anyway!

The last camp I taught was on a medicinal pot farm in an intentional community in Oregon. The camp itself of was little chaotic (a very diverse age group), but my time there was most valuable. I gained important life knowledge about tree graphing, bee keeping, salmon fishing, and weed trimming… I also dreamed vividly under the stars and gained powerful new understanding of soul love.

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Nut also had some learning experiences, like Alpacas are not friends and want to stomps tiny creatures to death. THEY ARE NOT PLAYING, NUTMEG!
She also tried to swim off with the river otters, but as she battled the cold, rapid currents (with me close behind her, just in case), she circled back around to the shore in full realization that I am her true family.

This summer has brought me great fortune, although not in the traditional sense. All the searching, purging, healing, and love was perfectly placed into this summer of the soul. I arrived back in Kansas City a week ago, perfectly prepared to make the changes I need to in beginning my next phase of my life.

Now, describing my next phase of life is like trying to list out all the ingredients of a very large, very tasty sandwich, one with a super secret special sauce!

I will share what I do know:

For the time being, I’ve decided not to sell my house, “The Circus”. Instead, I am creating  a new business model, one that supports continued growth of this intentional community. A dear friend will be moving in to “hold the fort”, while a small network of other artists will step in to assist “the traveling Circus”. This decision was influenced hugely by the site of my travel alter upon returning.

This healing home is a unique, beneficial platform for many to actualize their dreams— some big, some small, but all dreams are important nevertheless. For travelers, an affordable place to stay that offers that comfort of home. For tenants, a place to transition or to learn about community. For it’s helpers, easy dough and a flexible schedule. For me, the financial foundations to enact my soul’s purpose. For the home itself, many improvements and getting to be being an alchemical container for all to grow!

Soon (estimated by end of September), I will be moving to my mystical mountain meadow property two hours from LA (in good traffic). There my 242 square foot magical bus is being renovated into a full time living space. (I will be writing the full story of the bus soon). The bus is mobile, so once I get comfortable driving it, we can go anywhere. But for now it’s a rent free property! And such a small space allows me time to fully explore my work in poetic comedy. I’m not sure how these creations will manifest, but I am excited for the opportunities and connections available to me in California to explore. I am also overjoyed to be finally fulfilling a life long dream, one that I now have the tools and confidence to actualize!

What a journey it has been and will continue to be!

There are lots of puzzle pieces still percolating… and only time will tell how their stories unfold.

I am thankful that, more so now than ever before in my life, I feel a great comfort in soul love and in deep trust in the universal flow.

I know that I am held, and worry not as I make choices that send me surfing through the abyss.

Until next time!

 

Summer of Soul: A Very Tasty Sandwich

… And Baseball.

Currently in Oregon— teaching a camp to mostly the littles (aged around four)! I am very inspired by the community and the place I am teaching. The flow intrigues me and I am grateful to be exposed to so much diversity of life on the road.

Performing and teaching in different places requires an adaptability that inspires me. Everyone has their own dynamics, each place with its own energy to fuse with.

In Humboldt, I played my ukulele and two original songs at my first open mic. I was encouraged by many, but I hesitated because my vibe was very different than the electric guitars and reggae that played before. They set me up, and the bar came to stillness as they listened to my songs. Before playing, I visualized my music filling the bar with a pure sort of love. After playing, I was blessed with that very love and encouragement. Pretty groovy!



Then there was the journey to the baseball games in SF, which the field had a very different energy than anywhere else I’ve been, complete with the organic food vendors and in between inning recycling crews. It was maybe too chill for a baseball game…

The Cubs also lost on my birthday and none of the players even acknowledged my sign (not even Rizzo, who is also birthdaying on 8/8/89). I even made a birthday wish by blowing on a peanut shell, and still nothing!

Small back story: I’ve been having these dreams about the Cubs players for since the playoffs began last year. That’s how I knew they were going to go to the World Series! I’d have about two or three dreams a month, and my getting to know the team unfolded as a linear relationship would. The Cubs players showing me a love, respect, and admiration that I crave in my waking life. They provided a support that made it possible for me to get through the intensity of the last year.

By going to the baseball games, I have been chasing my dreams. Maybe if they see me, their hearts will be activated and I will be held by a man who is strong in himself!!! I was a little lost in the dreams vs. reality, missing the metaphor that was offered to me. Something changed on the way to the last game, where I began to look deep into the eyes of the fans around me… I was looking to connect once again with the eyes of my river love! My Prince Charming!

You see, when him and I parted ways, we didn’t exchange information. He hugged and kissed me and told me, “We’ll see each other again.” There wasn’t even an inkling of bullshit in that! In deep soul connections, I trust. SO ROMANTIC!

Driving back up the coast the day after my birthday, I realized that the baseball team represented this band of brothers I met by the river, they were the physical manifestation of my dreams. In the embrace of “river love”, I felt the chivalry and the strength of the masculine I have been longing at least a life time for.

I picked up NutMeg from the Dachshund puppy palace (aka a sweet couple with three dachshunds of their own). Nut was excited to see me, but it wasn’t even comparable to the excitement I experienced upon arriving back to my favorite spot at the turn of the river.

As I pulled up to my campsite, the band of brothers were all there, with dinner ready! It was good to see them again, but seeing him… I have never seen someone so lit up by my presence and I by theirs. The meeting of our eyes taking us into the world where only him and I exist, fueling a smile that only the light of the soul can generate. Wow, wow, wow. !!!

I am so incredibly grateful for these incredibly healing encounters. No expectations, only presence, love, and respect.

And all the learning, as the last week, has propelled me a deeper understanding of fate versus destiny.

Fate is “inevitable”, destiny is a collaboration.

For the last several years I have battled with the free will of a guy who I felt fated to be with. Even as early as our first encounter, I had lucid dreams and visions about our journey together, including creative projects, marriage, and children. I could see it all, things he would say to me would immediately alter my understanding in an instant and I was committed to something on a level so deep I couldn’t even argue with.

Five years ago, that guy and I went on a camping/canoe trip. We navigated the river currents well together, taking sharp turns with valiant courage. When a split in the river would appear, so would a majestic blue heron. As we would approach the time to make a choice, the bird would lift its wings and guide us to the best direction possible. We encountered a serene river lagoon, we looked into each other’s eyes and celebrated the beauty of our time together. When the river took us forth, we went with it, paddling as we saw fit so.

Then there was the split into rapid, shallow waters. A rabid raccoon ran across the way. I feared snakes in the water as he asked me to get out and pull the canoe. Should we turn back? No. We made it forward into deep murky waters and sat in silence. Floating along. He looked so handsome in the colors of the setting sun. The moon rise brought stillness as we navigated the dark night, the quiet waters to our take-out point, where we hoped someone would meet us. We were received, sitting in the truck cabin, we held hands through the winding roads. The drive back to the campsite lit by headlights and the full moon.

We always said this canoe trip was a mirror to our relationship. In a canoe, subject to whatever the river guided us too. For years, I sat in this canoe, loyalty runs strong in my blood. He challenged the fate by using his free will to push me away, and I stayed close trapped in a dance that was both illuminating and extremely toxic.

Fate is the canoe on the river, destiny is the river. The river collaborates with the rain, flooding, transforming, shaping the land. The river merges with other streams and rivers. I am no longer in a canoe. I have released the fate and the guy that was attached to it. I am a river, rich with life, on a co-creative path of destiny. I have reclaimed my myself, my strength! My lioness nature roaring like the rapid waters.

The funny thing about all this is fate informs destiny.

Had a not journeyed as full and committed as I had the last six years, I would not have been initiated into a rooting knowing of unconditional love or being a Cubs fan!

The first conversation with my river love began with none other than baseball… 

Here’s the song I wrote last week. Enjoy! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M2AKHOjAiSI

Peace & Love y’all.


(Mount Shasta… where I spent the night to watch the meteor shower!) 

… And Baseball.

Dark Ages Bring Great Changes.

For the last little over a month, I have been in the dark ages— i.e. mostly off grid, out of power, out of service, out of my mind.

And at the times I have had charge and wifi, I’ve been too far in the depths of a deep soul cleansing to write anything other than tears. And those don’t really process on a computer screen! I’ll save those entries for the book I will one day write.

In these recent weeks, I have ascended… up the West Coast.
From Los Angeles to Humboldt County I have journeyed.

The Prius my vessel, The Nut my first and only mate.

We have been by the sea, river, by tree(s).

Meditating in mystical mountain meadows, isolated from all to see.

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I’ve had two theatre camps since my last writing.
Willow Creek was a blessing.
South Lake Tahoe was a lesson.
Overall, the summer teaching tour has been a flop.
Eleven camps planned, four realized, possibly two more (but likely not).

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This week I came back to Humboldt to camp by the river, to paint, write songs.

I feel a sense of community here. A sense of home. Peace without having to work for it.

The interactions I have had here have brought powerful healing to my heart and spirit. My body miraculously purged of woeful memories by both the river… and by an odd instance of somehow falling off a bench, where I was caught by a strong man (and he didn’t even spill his beer).

For the first time ever in falling, I didn’t feel like a fool…

I felt like a woman, a fully illuminated goddess, surrendering herself to the world.
The longing for a beloved who never fully arrived was instantly released. And in that moment, a current of love came in so strong that time froze.

A special moment. (SURELY THIS IS MY PRINCE!)

I kid, however, the unexpected soulmate is the best part of the journey.
It’s the most magic of all tools.

The unexpected nature excites me, but most have no idea what to do with this soul activation. They think it is my fault that they are feeling beyond themselves. This is one of my favorite parts of the process. They begin to ask me questions like: “Do you control the moon?” … “Did you cast a spell on me?” … or most recently (and my favorite thus far) “I don’t know what’s going on, but I think you are my spirit animal.”

I learn how to best communicate to them through a quick prompting of our soul contract and a glimpse into our past lives.  This communication has to be graceful. Some move best with just a glance or touch, some with direct words and fancy terminology, and others need metaphor (plays, poems, songs).

I could share the details of how his presence healed some of the deep seeded turmoil, how it rekindled my belief in supportive, loving relationships, very precisely within a twenty four hour period… But, again, that is probably best suited for the book.

For now, I will express the gratitude for all the recent moments that brought me to this time. To these soul shifting perspectives, the light of the almost full moon, which I write under right now. It glistens through the trees by the laughing river. She encourages me to dance, to celebrate this love, this light, this time.

Today, I turn 28 years old. Although, I did not physically die during my rockstar year— I have purged enough to die and be reborn. With my wounds from childhood nearly healed, my hopes and dreams have resurfaced, I am now equipped with the tools and more confidence to set out to achieve them.

I know each piece of the puzzle as I find it. It’s been a slow coming together, but a larger picture of my life is being revealed. I am excited!

Currently in San Francisco to be birthdaying and the Cubs vs. Giant games.

This summer has been whack-ass. But, most adventures worth sharing contain some element of that or another.

The life I dream is not ruled by fate— The life I dream is lived by my destiny, as I co-create it to be.

Live Love. ❤

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(you cannot always run from the thinks lurking behind you)

Dark Ages Bring Great Changes.