A Threshold of FEAR

As darkness fell, I walked barefoot down a clay road in the Amazon jungle. I remember congratulating myself for no longer feeling fear. Instead, I walked tall, feeling strength from the most depths of my innermost being, from the depths of my soul.

Over the years and through my travels, so many of my deep fears have been actualized. And I’m not talking about just spiders and snakes, ya’ll, I’m talking about the big stuff. And through skilled battle and great bravery, I have conquered many of them, not just snakes and spiders, the big stuff, the BIG fears. Through this process, I have eliminated the very things that often keep so many us living small.

Specifically, on this walk, I reviewed the multiple events that I faced the worst fear of many. Death, my own death, and alone for that matter.  Examples being: In a remote Indian Himalayan village, a drunk man in an active pursuit of sexual attack and an attempt at pushing me off a mountainside. In Kathmandu, being locked inside a stairwell while surrounding buildings crumbled in the aftershocks of two massive earthquakes. Or the classic Peruvian nightmare of waking up in the middle of the night to find the jungle around me engulfed in flames. And then there are the simple cross-country adventures of sleeping alone in desolate campgrounds. Or even to running a homestay, where every night I share my roof with complete strangers. I hold a bravery and trust of the world that many have a hard time even imagining.

At the end of this clay road, I found a shaman, a journey that was literally guided by my nocturnal dreams. This shaman would come to serve as a very important inner voice in the years to come. This shaman, who I would tell– in my limited Spanish, that I was very strong. And he would respond very with a loving affirmation, “and beautiful.” Strong and beautiful, there are worse ways to be described. ;0)

So, here I am. I am Hailey, a strong and beautiful woman of twenty-eight years. I have been very active on a path of listening to my heart and following my dreams (of all meanings and varieties). And now, I live in bus on a mountain and…

DUN DUN DUN!
FEAR ARRISES ONCE AGAIN!

Because, there is always  somewhere to go, more depth to explore… and just like that, it’s raining, it’s pouring, it might be a human ravaging beast that is snoring… and you didn’t even know rain was in the forecast.

So, the fears and other weird emotions and shit start bubbling up to the surface. Fear of losing the ones you love most arise, the impending doom of greater responsibility surfaces, and past relationships somehow rear their ghostly heads to remind you that you haven’t healed all the wounds of the past… You feel hurt, broke, helpless… the radiant woman of strength and beauty you once were… a distance memory.

“But life”, as I often hear a youtube commercial say, “Life isn’t about WHAT happens to you, it’s how you respond to it.” Then I think the metaphysical gargoyles circling my energy field as fear begins to dominate and I don’t know what to do. Ugh, how unappealing gargoyles are!

Then I read my morning tea wisdom (it’s the little quote that comes on my tea bag): “Be the change you wish to see in the world!” …. ugh, not only does that seem like so much work– It also seems impossible when you don’t know exactly what that change is or even how to go about changing it? … Where is the Hailey to your hummingbird? Stuck, trapped… Who is gonna offer the diversion and help me see the path I need to go to get to where I want to be?

Then there’s hoping that just a little bit of substance will be the medicine that will cure all the woes. And then realizing that medicine doesn’t really help, it blocks pain, sometimes misdirects it… but it doesn’t always facilitate the healing process.

Nope. It’s time to identify the fear and the destructive patterns that come with it. If we want to see our dreams come true, we gotta get rid of what’s blocking them from occurring.

For me, it’s stopping procrastinating, self-critiquing, and just fucking write! And get out there to clown around, in full trust that the appropriate opportunities will present themselves perfectly. I am living my dream as a comedic actress and soulful creator. “Success”, as I see it, is a process and it’s already actively unfolding.

For me, it’s learning how to be less critical of my lovers and learning how to love myself enough to draw in a partner who is ready to commit to a lifelong journey with me, no matter what SHIT comes up. Relationships are designed to trigger shit, and I will have a partner that is as committed to healing and growth as I am— both individually AND in the relationship.

For me, it’s about being the radiant woman, strong and beautiful, even in moments of extreme vulnerability… Being the woman that I am destined to become. Being the woman I already am and loving every single aspect of my beingness… not only for myself but also for others.

Because when we live, aware of fears– yet free from them… we allow the space for our dreams to unfold, more beautifully than we could have ever imagined.

So, what are your dreams? And what fears are holding you back? And how can you conquer them?

a video recording of this post.

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A Threshold of FEAR

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