Over the course of the last month, I have probably written over eight almost blog posts. Then a day or two goes by… and I think, well, that’s probably TOO much to send to people. Maybe I’m sharing too much of my inner process, also people probably don’t want to hear about my trials and tribulations or every breakthrough I have regarding what I am trying to cultivate in my life and the frustration of it not arriving.
Then today happened. I had a minor epiphany while I was promoting myself as a teacher for a local organization.
“I believe that if you get kids to create their own material instead of handing them a script to memorize… they feel more confident because they created it themselves so they can’t do it wrong.”
I heard myself say that and thought, Hailey. Why is that voice of your inner critique dominating everything? If you create it yourself, you can’t do it wrong.
So that’s where I am at. I write and create a lot… in fact I generate so much that I’m really unclear on what the outlet for it is… or how to organize it into something SUBSTANTIAL, like a book or a sitcom. So, that’s the next breakthrough that needs to occur.
One of my students after class today asked me if I could read something she wrote because she wants to be a writer when she grows up. It was one of those moments where you realize that someone respects you and values your opinion. And trusts you enough to reveal something that means a lot to them. I was incredibly moved.
I look back over March and honestly… It was a month that happened. Things be happening and I be growing from them— same ole’ same ole’… But something internally is shifting in a way that is very different from the rest of my life. That shift can be simplified as feeling a stronger understanding and commitment to my self worth.
As I look more into making the transition to LA, I feel really clear about kind of environment I want to live in, what kind of “side” jobs I am willing to take, and what my bullshit tolerance is in my inner personal and work relationships. It feels great, but it’s also challenging because the more you value yourself, the more the things and people who don’t value you start to fall away. So, your left with the foundational pillars, which sometimes can be pretty surprising.
I take the blame for almost everything that happens in my life. In painful relationships, in bad business, in just the bullshit that happens between people. And in some ways this really serves me because I face the shit that many people run far away from, only to experience it time and time again. That one toxic relationship, as ridiculous as it was, really made me address sexual abuse from the past and a lot of my childhood relational issues. I couldn’t run, in the name of love I had to face the very things that were keeping me from it.
And of course, that still comes up. But now, I see other people and I am being able to more clearly discern what is mine and what is theirs. I’m getting closer and closer to doing this in real time and being able to discuss it with them so it doesn’t become a relationship sabotaging situation.
But, sometimes I still fail. And then spend countless hours reading internet blogs about communication skills and looking into courses so I can “catch him and keep him”.
But, you know what? Fuck that. I am tired of that. I am taking ownership of my own shit, and my best relationships are with others who also take ownership of their shit. And through that we grow and we love each other more because of that growth.
And also, if you spend too much time watching the news, or reading studies, or obsessively blog posts on the human experience… you forget what you already know. YOU BLOCK OUT YOUR OWN WISDOM. But why? For what?
Just fucking breathe everybody. BREATHE.
Take deep fucking breathes every time you feel anxious, every time you feel something. Cause guess what, you are supposed to feel— ALL OF IT. All the pain, all the trauma, all the discomfort that whatever you’re going through is bringing up. Through the feels you will learn what the situation is trying to teaching you. And then, you will grow. You will bloom into the radiant human you are intended to be. Filled with your own personal wisdom and the courage to follow your dreams, and to value your worth in the process. That’s what needs to be remembered, so stop looking outside yourself, it’s all right there.
If you want to live a life that inspires you and others, that’s the key.
At least for me anyway.