Always Myself…

I’ve spent the last several months venturing in and out of depths life as a Hailen…
It’s been a deeply personal, introspective process– which is why I’ve been pretty unable to update in this form over last FOUR months. Yikes.
There has been much to learn and many ways to expand, but at the core I am always myself and I love all that I am. SELF LOVE IS ESSENTIAL, ya’ll.

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Anyway, the time is now and a BLOG now to ya’ll shall be sent!
YOU WONDERFUL HUMANS YOU!

This summer was very busy:
+ Sold my house in Kansas City in June, it’s still “in the family” and fully functioning as the Circus!
+ Created and performed in a couple Mountain Comedy Shows. They were successful and a great learning opportunity.
+ Taught three theatre camps: Lake Arrowhead, Willow Creek, and Jacksonville. Love doing these camps!
+ Saw four Cubs games in the following cities LA, San Diego, Chicago, Kansas City. Great fun!
+ Completed two improv classes at Groundlings, currently enrolled in a third. Challenging and a powerful way to learn.
+ Connected to some “soul sisters” thru some online temple work– much deepening into my feminine wisdom and role as healer.
+ Did a online meditation immersion that helped demote my overly present inner critic, which lead to the creation of the the unfiltered and raw August Poem Series.
+ Explored dark depressing depths in order to connect with soul shifting light! — as expressed thru Poem Complex.

I am grateful to be present with this seasonal change and be on this SoCal mountain where the transition into Autumn can actually be felt + smelt in the morning air.

It feels nice to be in the time of letting go, so that one day new things can grow again.

Last week, when I tried to write this blog entry… This little story emerged, celebrating the exchanges of last year around this time. “Fall Remembrance by Hailey Jones.” I liked reconnecting to the feeling this times magic thru these words.

What a year it’s been… It was a little over a year ago that I packed up my Prius to move out into my modern day gypsy wagon, a converted school bus. Leaving a wonderfully functioning five bedroom home to a 240 square foot space. LEAPS OF FAITH! (here is a video tour of the Magic Bus)

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Living in the bus isn’t always easy either. It’s a whole lifestyle to commit to– having to bathe + launder in the generous homes of others, there was no internet or cell reception for six months, county confronting me because apparently it’s illegal to camp on your own land, wtf? — — Despite the challenges, everyday I am more and more grateful for this unique home. It has taught me so much about myself, trusting the process, knowing when to ask for help, allowing myself receive from the community, and, of course, simplicity-simplicity-simplicity (if you say it three times you invoke the spirit of Thoreau).
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At the heart, what I’ve learned is that regardless of how you live your life personal dreams don’t unfold solely with drive of one’s own ambition — it takes a community of others to also believe in that individual for those dreams to wholly unfold..

Currently, I feel a profound sense of balance occurring in my life. I can feel the potency of the path I am on, and am feeling in deep alignment with patience as each step brings greater clarity to where I am, where I came from, and where I am going. This beautiful tapestry of life is so perfectly woven, every thread informing the next, every piece important, nothing thrown away or wasted… Sometimes the occasional snag, illuminates the unseen details of the precision required when weaving a conscious path.

In short, all is now well and as it should be!

Thanks for being a witness to my journey.
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Always Myself…

Something Sort of Something: A Palpable Update

Since the last few entries have been aired more on the side of reflections.
Here is more of a palpable update:

I’ve been going through a something sort of something… but, I think it’s getting better now.

Taught round one of Adult Acting Classes up on the mountain. It apparently was a success because all of my students requested that I continue to offer them. So, round two begun last Monday. I am learning a lot about how to speak basics, while simultaneously accommodating the variety of different needs of the individual student. Grateful to have students that are pushing me to expand as a teacher. Lake Arrowhead children and adults classes are available for you! 

The Radiate Wellness Community has featured my blog post “Epiphany of Breathe”. !!!

My dear friend, Amina Teachout, opened up her yoga studio, Playscape, this last month. I’ve been connecting with a really wonderful community there. The friendships I’m beginning to cultivate up here hold such a unique balance of mutual love, wisdom, and support. It’s pretty freaking awesome. Oh, and I got to clown around at the opening, which was fun– Spatula tried to practice the yoga poses, literally.  Did you know downward dogs actually bark? Woof!


I started taking some improv classes at the Groundlings down in LA this past week. It feels really good to be practicing, playing, and going back to the basics. It’s also really nice to be splitting time half in the city, half in the mountain. Great to be meeting new people and be at a different pace.Very grateful for the friends who are offering a place for me to sleep two nights a week, this saves me five hours, $20 bucks in gas, and a whole lot of emotional energy of going up and down that mountain! Plus, I get to do some city exploring. YAY FOR FRIENDS!

Safety Sue made her first radio appearance on an NPR show called “American Parlor Song Book” …. About halfway through the bureaucracy, you’ll find Safety Sue sharing her experience with the government. Check out episode “4/27/18 – Pushing Pencils”  !!! National exposure, oh yeah!


I have finally launched a Patreon account. Patron is a website that allows “fans” to subscribe to an artists work. I’ve chosen to do this on a monthly basis. So… if you enjoy my blog posts, youtube creations, artistic/teaching presence in various different communities, AND you have a couple extra bones to toss my (and NutMeg’s) way each month, it’d make a big difference. CLICK HERE TO START YOUR SUBSCRIPTION. If everyone on this mailing list subscribed only $3 monthly, my body would be properly nourished all month long. On average, it takes me at least six hours of writing/editing per blog post. It’d be really rad if my part time random jobs could subside so I could focus on generating more consistently and confidently! 

You’ll really be supporting a lot of different projects and communities with your $$$. Example being: the development of my new comedy show, “Lake Arrowhead Live: A Mountain Comedy Show” ..  to be performed June 16th at 7pm at the Tudor House in Lake Arrowhead!

There was an incident at the bus involving county code enforcement. The whole thing was quite absurd and upsetting. I haven’t received a written notice of anything, so I’m not taking it too seriously— but it has provoked a trying to understand of what my rights are. Apparently, it’s illegal to live on your own land in an RV, however it’s not illegal to park on the street and live in your RV as long as you move it every once and awhile. The code people came because of a complaint.  How could I be bothering anyone? I live quietly as a meditative writer that lives efficiently in a bus next to a meadow. On a weekly basis, I see more wildlife than I do people. I see coyotes everyday, we’re all on a first name basis now. Recently, I SAW A BABY MOUNTAIN LION and a week later I saw a BEAR, oh yes a bear– not so way over there. Here is proof!
Anyway, I will, of course, find ways around this should there be further issues— cause what’s the point of owning land if you can’t live the way you very (environmentally) consciously choose to?

I heard a quote recently on This American Life by a Creek Indian Chief that is sitting strong with me. “I have thought that the white men wanted to bring burden and ache of heart among my people in driving them from their homes and yoking them with laws they do not understand.”

There are so many laws these days. My neighbor said that between county, state, and federal laws, the average Californian breaks twenty laws a day without even knowing it. Having a written set understandings to honor those around us is valuable, but when does it become too much? I question where the line between protection and freedom needs to be drawn. The government (among many other aspects of this world) is far too in their heads, not enough in their hearts.

I feel this about personal relationships too. We can get through fear and conflict, if everyone is willing to face it. Deeper compassion evokes greater collaboration. Simple as that…

But, I’m sure, as with all things, balanced will be achieved and all will someday will be in harmony. *light shines from heavens*

and until then….  I shall meditate and occasionally scream, “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH WTF IS GOING ON HERE?”.

and the response I will get from NutMeg will look like this:


(the emotional support dog that doesn’t even care about my feelings…whatever, Nut.)

Something Sort of Something: A Palpable Update

A Threshold of FEAR

As darkness fell, I walked barefoot down a clay road in the Amazon jungle. I remember congratulating myself for no longer feeling fear. Instead, I walked tall, feeling strength from the most depths of my innermost being, from the depths of my soul.

Over the years and through my travels, so many of my deep fears have been actualized. And I’m not talking about just spiders and snakes, ya’ll, I’m talking about the big stuff. And through skilled battle and great bravery, I have conquered many of them, not just snakes and spiders, the big stuff, the BIG fears. Through this process, I have eliminated the very things that often keep so many us living small.

Specifically, on this walk, I reviewed the multiple events that I faced the worst fear of many. Death, my own death, and alone for that matter.  Examples being: In a remote Indian Himalayan village, a drunk man in an active pursuit of sexual attack and an attempt at pushing me off a mountainside. In Kathmandu, being locked inside a stairwell while surrounding buildings crumbled in the aftershocks of two massive earthquakes. Or the classic Peruvian nightmare of waking up in the middle of the night to find the jungle around me engulfed in flames. And then there are the simple cross-country adventures of sleeping alone in desolate campgrounds. Or even to running a homestay, where every night I share my roof with complete strangers. I hold a bravery and trust of the world that many have a hard time even imagining.

At the end of this clay road, I found a shaman, a journey that was literally guided by my nocturnal dreams. This shaman would come to serve as a very important inner voice in the years to come. This shaman, who I would tell– in my limited Spanish, that I was very strong. And he would respond very with a loving affirmation, “and beautiful.” Strong and beautiful, there are worse ways to be described. ;0)

So, here I am. I am Hailey, a strong and beautiful woman of twenty-eight years. I have been very active on a path of listening to my heart and following my dreams (of all meanings and varieties). And now, I live in bus on a mountain and…

DUN DUN DUN!
FEAR ARRISES ONCE AGAIN!

Because, there is always  somewhere to go, more depth to explore… and just like that, it’s raining, it’s pouring, it might be a human ravaging beast that is snoring… and you didn’t even know rain was in the forecast.

So, the fears and other weird emotions and shit start bubbling up to the surface. Fear of losing the ones you love most arise, the impending doom of greater responsibility surfaces, and past relationships somehow rear their ghostly heads to remind you that you haven’t healed all the wounds of the past… You feel hurt, broke, helpless… the radiant woman of strength and beauty you once were… a distance memory.

“But life”, as I often hear a youtube commercial say, “Life isn’t about WHAT happens to you, it’s how you respond to it.” Then I think the metaphysical gargoyles circling my energy field as fear begins to dominate and I don’t know what to do. Ugh, how unappealing gargoyles are!

Then I read my morning tea wisdom (it’s the little quote that comes on my tea bag): “Be the change you wish to see in the world!” …. ugh, not only does that seem like so much work– It also seems impossible when you don’t know exactly what that change is or even how to go about changing it? … Where is the Hailey to your hummingbird? Stuck, trapped… Who is gonna offer the diversion and help me see the path I need to go to get to where I want to be?

Then there’s hoping that just a little bit of substance will be the medicine that will cure all the woes. And then realizing that medicine doesn’t really help, it blocks pain, sometimes misdirects it… but it doesn’t always facilitate the healing process.

Nope. It’s time to identify the fear and the destructive patterns that come with it. If we want to see our dreams come true, we gotta get rid of what’s blocking them from occurring.

For me, it’s stopping procrastinating, self-critiquing, and just fucking write! And get out there to clown around, in full trust that the appropriate opportunities will present themselves perfectly. I am living my dream as a comedic actress and soulful creator. “Success”, as I see it, is a process and it’s already actively unfolding.

For me, it’s learning how to be less critical of my lovers and learning how to love myself enough to draw in a partner who is ready to commit to a lifelong journey with me, no matter what SHIT comes up. Relationships are designed to trigger shit, and I will have a partner that is as committed to healing and growth as I am— both individually AND in the relationship.

For me, it’s about being the radiant woman, strong and beautiful, even in moments of extreme vulnerability… Being the woman that I am destined to become. Being the woman I already am and loving every single aspect of my beingness… not only for myself but also for others.

Because when we live, aware of fears– yet free from them… we allow the space for our dreams to unfold, more beautifully than we could have ever imagined.

So, what are your dreams? And what fears are holding you back? And how can you conquer them?

a video recording of this post.

A Threshold of FEAR

Hummingbird.

An afternoon, not too long ago…. I was meditating, hoping to relax my brain enough so that, perhaps I could fall asleep. Right as I was beginning to cross the threshold of consciousness into perhaps of restful slumber something flew into my bus. I heard the buzz of wigs and NutMeg beginning to get riled up.

I went to the front windshield where I encountered a beautiful hummingbird trying desperately to get out only to find itself trapped. I moved some books out of the way that were disabling the hummingbirds full range of motion. Upon moving the books, the wings fluttered, and again, this little bird kept bumping against the glass. I tried to encourage it with words. “All you have to do is fly through this  open window less than eight inches away, it’s right here!”

It stopped moving seemingly calmed by my presence. We locked eyes. There I saw this bird, a symbol of joy and happiness, afraid— stuck. I watched it’s breathing, it’s heart beat, which is generally quite fast, begin to slow. This little bird and I gazed into each others eyes. Soon, it started fluttering again hitting the window, repeatedly unable to break through to get to where it was meant to be. It kept trying to go one way, over and over again without any success.

I had the idea to block it’s vision of the glass. I grabbed a piece of paper and slid it over the windshield where the hummingbird was trying to fly. Immediately, it turned and flew out the open window eight inches away.

How often we are that little bird— we see so clearly what we want, but we are blindsided by how to get there. We try the same thing over and over again, with little to no success. But, if when we find a way to free ourselves from how it should go, into how it’s going, we actually open ourselves to finding the way of getting there.

An afternoon, not too long ago, I saw a hummingbird, the essence of joy, admit that it was afraid. And I too, must stop sometimes and acknowledge the fear I feel.

Hummingbird.

epiphany of breath

Over the course of the last month, I have probably written over eight almost blog posts.  Then a day or two goes by… and I think, well, that’s probably TOO much to send to people. Maybe I’m sharing too much of my inner process, also people probably don’t want to hear about my trials and tribulations or every breakthrough I have regarding what I am trying to cultivate in my life and the frustration of it not arriving.

Then today happened. I had a minor epiphany while I was promoting myself as a teacher for a local organization.

“I believe that if you get kids to create their own material instead of handing them a script to memorize… they feel more confident because they created it themselves so they can’t do it wrong.”

I heard myself say that and thought, Hailey. Why is that voice of your inner critique dominating everything? If you create it yourself, you can’t do it wrong.

So that’s where I am at. I write and create a lot… in fact I generate so much that I’m really unclear on what the outlet for it is… or how to organize it into something SUBSTANTIAL, like a book or a sitcom. So, that’s the next breakthrough that needs to occur.

One of my students after class today asked me if I could read something she wrote because she wants to be a writer when she grows up. It was one of those moments where you realize that someone respects you and values your opinion. And trusts you enough to reveal something that means a lot to them. I was incredibly moved.

I look back over March and honestly… It was a month that happened. Things be happening and I be growing from them— same ole’ same ole’… But something internally is shifting in a way that is very different from the rest of my life. That shift can be simplified as feeling a stronger understanding and commitment to my self worth.

As I look more into making the transition to LA, I feel really clear about kind of environment I want to live in, what kind of “side” jobs I am willing to take, and what my bullshit tolerance is in my inner personal and work relationships. It feels great, but it’s also challenging because the more you value yourself, the more the things and people who don’t value you start to fall away. So, your left with the foundational pillars, which sometimes can be pretty surprising.

I take the blame for almost everything that happens in my life. In painful relationships, in bad business, in just the bullshit that happens between people. And in some ways this really serves me because I face the shit that many people run far away from, only to experience it time and time again. That one toxic relationship, as ridiculous as it was, really made me address sexual abuse from the past and a lot of my childhood relational issues. I couldn’t run, in the name of love I had to face the very things that were keeping me from it.

And of course, that still comes up. But now, I see other people and I am being able to more clearly discern what is mine and what is theirs. I’m getting closer and closer to doing this in real time and being able to discuss it with them so it doesn’t become a relationship sabotaging situation. 

But, sometimes I still fail. And then spend countless hours reading internet blogs about communication skills and looking into courses so I can “catch him and keep him”.

But, you know what? Fuck that. I am tired of that. I am taking ownership of my own shit, and my best relationships are with others who also take ownership of their shit. And through that we grow and we love each other more because of that growth.

And also, if you spend too much time watching the news, or reading studies, or obsessively blog posts on the human experience… you forget what you already know. YOU BLOCK OUT YOUR OWN WISDOM. But why? For what?

Just fucking breathe everybody. BREATHE. 

Take deep fucking breathes every time you feel anxious, every time you feel something. Cause guess what, you are supposed to feel— ALL OF IT. All the pain, all the trauma, all the discomfort that whatever you’re going through is bringing up. Through the feels you will learn what the situation is trying to teaching you. And then, you will grow. You will bloom into the radiant human you are intended to be. Filled with your own personal wisdom and the courage to follow your dreams, and to value your worth in the process. That’s what needs to be remembered, so stop looking outside yourself, it’s all right there.

If you want to live a life that inspires you and others, that’s the key.
At least for me anyway.

epiphany of breath

Seriously Buszarre.

Two months since an update, and I’m wondering if you’re wondering how things have been? In Hailey’s world of make believe you’ve all at least had the passing thought…
Maybe it’s something about being 28.5…
Or the recent plot twists and curve balls I’ve been thrown lately…
Or perhaps it’s the inspiring dynamic with the boyfriend…
If I’m not on my toes, the rest of my feet are touching the ground— Thankfully.My perspective has been shifting, and like your favorite Pokemon you just gave candy to, I am evolving!

 

Updates:
After a series of seriously bizarre tribulations, I am officially selling my house in Kansas City! I am trying to do this in a way that supports the continuation of my Airbnb, as there are investors currently mulling over the idea! If they don’t follow through, the house will be on the market in the next couple of weeks!

My Kansas City visit was mostly odd, but allowed me to address a lot of important things and drop in with some really special people. Being back affirmed that moving to California has been the best choice I’ve ever made for myself.

Upon my return to California, I did a comedy intensive at Second City in LA— where in six days we wrote, memorized, performed a forty-five minute Valentines’ Day Revue.  Someone taped it, so if you’d like to watch it, I’d love to get your feedback! (I solo wrote four of the sketches, then collaborated a few of the others— fun game! Guess which ones I wrote!) https://vimeo.com/256334576

The experience was very positive. And further affirmed my desire to be more active in generating and performing comedy in the coming years.

To do that… I’m gonna need to move closer to LA!

There is no real timeline on when these things will occur. I feel good about the direction, and all will unfold as it should! Taking inspired action!

Upon my return to the mountain, I received two different calls regarding teaching opportunities. I was referred through recommendations from various members of the community. That’s pretty rad!

It’s been cold as snowballs in the bus. That’s probably because it has been snowing. My little wood stove does good up to a certain point of cold, then I gotta use the propane stove (which is hella pricey). I love being here, the stillness and rustic nature of it all. But, I do look forward to living somewhere where I will have enough running water to bathe in my own home… although then I will miss my composting toilet because it’s the coolest way to shit! My bus can be my mountain home, that I imagine I will still visit frequently.
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Pondering​s​ of Bus Isolation:
If there was no “I”, would there still be a problem? And if there was still a problem, could it be resolved? Being selfless is removing the ego from the situation. There are situations where things need to be addressed, shifted, changed— the personality can often sabotage the situation, thus inhibiting the work from getting done easily.It would be great if we could discuss differences without creating separation.

How well do we ever know someone? A friend of many years walk away in an instant, when seemingly  strangers can lift you up and hold you tight through heartaches. In this, perhaps we should honor the impulsivity in enjoying our relationships when they are available for us. This would enhance our everyday appreciation for the people who show up in our lives. This is also a mark for gratitude in honoring the being we wake up next two in the morning. I’M SO GRATEFUL YOU ARE HERE!

Honoring your word is one of the most important principles when it comes to respecting yourself and others.

What happens when we can see love in every thing we encounter? Someone walking away, a mark of love (for themselves or you). Gas stations, a mark of love (they exist so we can get to the things we love). Can we fill the world with more love by seeing love in everything? Can we find more harmony and compassion in our actions and that of others? Can we find the source of why certain actions feel to be the void of love?

Believing  in someone’s experience, whether or not you believe in for yourself, is a true mark of love.

The most passionate love, the kind of love where all points meet (communication, humor, sex, love languages all in perfect alignment), might not be the most practical love.
There might be a time where practicality transcends the soul’s passion.

(this thought is a mark of death to much of my internal existence)

The more you commit to love, the more you grow.

——————————
       Hailey Jones
Actor/Creator:Teacher/Healer
     theHaileyJones.com
Seriously Buszarre.

Mountain Times: Read all About it!

It has been a busy couple of weeks on the mountain. So much so, that the stillness and intense feelings of isolation of my arrival are now a distant memory.

In Bus News!

I had my first guests at the Magic Bus! Some Dell’Arte alumni popped up from down the hill and stayed for two wonderful nights. Per bus overnight guests tradition, everyone brought a unique to them magnet. They also filled the bus with jokes, laughter, and lovely exchanges of life. Turns out the bus hosts six people for dinner and sleeping comfortably. It’s also much warmer the more bodies are in here.

The stove finally arrived, but it was not possible to locally locate pipes for it’s tiny ventilation hole. So, they too had to be ordered from online. They are supposed to arrive this week, and install will happen as soon as they arrive!

Nut and I were lucky to be able to house sit for a few days last weekend. My Thanksgiving was sitting and watching all of season 2 of Stranger Things.  The next day, I also did not get off the catch catching up on various shows. The weekend, I was fairly productive in handling business stuff online… But overall, it made me realize that I am very grateful not to have internet or reception in the bus— as I meditate/sleep deeper and use my life energy way more productively (i.e. writing!)

Nut and I have been back to roughing the cold for the last couple of nights. We have a little propane heater that’s assisting in keeping us warm— but it GOBBLES propane like many of you gobbled turkey on Thanksgiving—NO MERCY! So, I don’t leave it on all the time cause it ain’t cheap— and even though I have a window open, I still worry about it winning the battle with oxygen or setting my blankets on fire. Death by heater, no thank you!

Ah, good times.

In “Work” News!

Now unfolding is the dynamics of navigating within a new creative environment.

I am very, very grateful to have found a place where my elf like spirit thrives!

A place where the lines are blurred to if you are pretending to believe or truly do believe.

I’m learning about:
ensemble.
stepping up, without stepping on.
entertainment meeting art.  (or for me ART meeting entertainment)
invoking village camaraderie (through special handshakes and mystery letters)
I’ve been writing songs for the shows, creating silly bits, and having a wonderful time.

It’s literally been Christmas everyday since November 9th, and I am so glad about that.

Having this job has not only been good for me creatively, but also for my social life. I’ve met a couple friends that are totally rad. Sometimes we all go ice skating after work together, hang out at pub chatting, or hatching up creative + yoga plans around town.

I finding my people! And I’m so glad!

In Other News!

Had a lovely Sunday Thanksgiving in the Little Log Cabin (Aunt Emily + Uncle Tom’s home). Last year, I was in Peru for Thanksgiving, so it was nice to celebrate with Family!

I am helping out at the community theatre with their production of the Christmas Carol. This is a part of a ploy in trying to find the other actor/creators here on the mountain. I want to get some children’s theatre happening as well as will need some assistance in reading this new script once it’s completed.

Possibility of my coming back to KC in late January thru mid February for theatre work… but we will see. Gotta follow the strongest momentum and I am not exactly sure what that is right now! Taking it as it comes, but prepared for how it goes. And enjoying every moment of it. California has been home in my heart for a long time, glad it’s now home to my body!

*victory dance! oh yeah!*

Mountain Times: Read all About it!