It’s all pretty weird…

I’ve had a few requests/inquires about my email blog / news letter thing lately. So here I am again. I know ya’ll appreciate these updates, many for the love of me, others for the enjoying these updates as if it. Whatever you need, I’m here … sometimes it’s just hard for me to be here cause I have this inner dialogue of my inner most critic saying things like, “nobody cares what you have to say.” or “wow it’s not even that funny.” We all seem to have a voice inside of us that we tolerate, however we wouldn’t tolerate that from anyone outside of ourselves. It makes no sense, humans are confusing. Life is weird.

Speaking of life being weird… What?! The?! What?! I mean… come on!
I won’t get into much of that cause I don’t even know anymore.

Recently, I had a birthday (8/8). Last year was the big thirty, which means this year I turned 29!

I’ve been out on the road for the last month or so, it’s been extraordinarily liberating and soul regenerating. 

As many of you know, I have been living in Hollywood for the last year and a half. I fulfilled a life long dream, and was feeling the momentum of a trajectory that only brought me closer to living in the reality of more of my life long dreams. 

The thing about living in LA though is it’s fairly all consuming. It’s hard to get out of town or to get out of the field of feeling like everything is a hustle all the time. Mostly because it is. I was living in a charming little studio apartment about twice the size of my bus. And it was costing me about $1500 a month. I did it, I landed some sweet teaching jobs, started doing background work, and did all sorts of fun gigs throughout the last year.

I was able to continue producing comedy shows up on the mountain, which helped strengthen my relationships in the city and continued my connection in an awesome little community.

I also did a crazy thing in December, and produced this elf immersion and children’s book (elfexperienceLA.com)… It was a lot of work, drained a great deal of life out of me — but I learned sooooo much. All the foundations were set in place to rinse and repeat for this year. However, with times the way they are … doing “underground children’s theatre” seems like it might be even more of a challenge. The thought of doing any theatre is weird right now. And that’s weird. It’s all just very weird. 

Something even weirder though… Is getting older. I stopped at this hot springs in Montana. There I made a friend with an early twenties fella… We had great conversations, but I was so filled with an awkward awareness of to quote Blink 182 “What’s my age again?”

Is there an age where my floating will no longer be fullfilling? Is asking this question the first step to a transition into a more… stable situation?

I don’t know.

I do know that part of the problem with stability is loosing the ability to remember that anything is possible at any time. I think so much of what weighs on people as they get older is how often dreams don’t pan out the way they were visualized. And that can really ware people down after a while. I certainly began to feel that when I was in LA. But, maybe what’s actually waring on ourselves is our inability to see ourselves for what our soul’s are really guiding us to— which I would say would be the core resonance of what that thing is.

For example: My AOL screen name in high school was BorntoBeOnSNL. I believed that my comic character stylings were perfect for that show. But as I’ve gotten older, I have come to realize that I’m not political or topical enough to thrive there… And after taking classes at Groundlings, I have found that the characters I create are intended more from a place of love, than hate (which so often comedy is about taring down and not building up)

Anyway! Through these discoveries into heart centered comedy, I have been doing more comedy. And I’m often compared to a show that’s not longer on air, but totally makes sense. I’ve been able to work with comedians who absolutely are connected to this mission. Right before corona chaos really ensued, I did a Murder Mystery Show with other players that was so incredibly fulfilling. It was so satisfying that I haven’t felt too burdened by not performing for six months (which might be the longest time I’ve ever gone without doing a live performance in all my life). 

I guess the moral of all of this… is we’re good. Change is inevitable, and ultimately it only gets better. No matter what’s going on in the world, we’re always moving towards the manifestations of our dreams unfolding, and actively living the reality of them coming into being.

I taught camp from at least five different states last month. And having the freedom to do that was vital of the nourishment of my inspired forces within. I encourage that what ever that is for you, that you find it, and you live it and you ENJOY this time of an easier pace— we were moving too fast before.

A dear friend of mine said, “It’s like we were coming out a quarantine, and being given the freedom to spend time in our homes with our family or out in nature.”

And I loved that reverse perspective. How can you reverse your perspective today? 

A daily inversion practice is key! Go upside down literally or figuratively on your head.

the OM in home.

hOMe hOMe hOMe.
I’m almost eight months in LA going strong.
I love it here, and I can’t really imagine living anywhere else.
Mostly because of the all hour taco trucks…
But there has been a lot of awesome unfoldings…

Love my apartment. Great location.
I ride my bike around like 70% of the time.
I’m in the best shape of my life and getting stronger everyday!
NutMeg just turned three years old and is cuter than ever!

I’ve landed two sweet, weekly teaching jobs. One with the Community School at Coburn (pretty much the Juilliard of the West) and 24th Street Theatre (a professional theatre with an neighborhood intention). Both places I get to focus on teaching theatre through devising, and there is a lot of room for clown play. The kids are all awesome, and I have been learning a lot as a teacher, mostly due to larger class size!

My summer teaching tour went awesomely. Two week long camps in two swell communities. This year, I expanded to do the Variety Show in Willow Creek. It was a big success. And Lucy Shelby came along for the ride, and co-taught with me in Applegate. The kids are awesome. And it just feels so good to camp for two weeks and swim naked in rivers!

I’ve sold my land in Lake Arrowhead, and in the process of selling the bus. Still navigating through some imbalance with the county in the court system. Trusting that that’s all a part of something.

I’m hosting the odd month Mountain Variety Shows at the Tudor House. Next one November 15th & 16th. They’ve been gaining great momentum and I am really glad to have a comedy partner (Kevin) in the endeavor. Coming up on shows number 9 & 10!

I’ve been connecting with a wonderful community of generative performers that align with or compliment my offerings. It’s really nice to have a community of collaborative artists ready to play.

I was featured in the article with Voyage LA
I wrote this poem “The Spoken Token”

I’m helping manage a community arts space called Silver Park Arts.  Where I’ll be hosting a monthly open mic, open house called “Anything Goes” — a cross pollinating place for artists of all kinds to share their work! October 15th 7p-10p.

This holiday season in LA, I am producing “the Elf Experience” (December 16th-29th). It will be a family friendly immersive theatre, pop-up elf town complete with a makers faire. I will do an expanded version of the elf show I created last year at Santa’s Village. I will also sell A. Jolly Elf’s story as children’s book!

Love life is made of wonderful vivid dreams of my river love, been hanging with a nice fella who lives my neighborhood, and enjoying dating whoever whenever I feel like it. Been exploring ways to navigate different kinds of romantic relationships simultaneously…

Mostly having fun and feeling super happy about how everything is unfolding.
I’d say it’s magical, but it’s really just my long wished upon dreams presenting in reality. All feels like the right things at the right time.
Mostly, it feels like coming hOMe sweet hOMe in Hollywood/Haileywood.

 

Welcome to Haileywood

So much has happened in the last two months. WOW!

It’s amazing how quickly things change when it is time for them to change!

I had a wonderful visit in KC— although I still haven’t quite warmed up from being the Polar Vortex. It was so cold! 

I have slept many bus nights with temperatures sometimes dropping below freezing— 

but just stepping outside in KC was like “hell no, I’m never going outside again.” 

It’s a different kind of cold in the Midwest that on a mountain in SoCal. 

It’s more of a bone chilling, soul sucking cold in the plains. 

Good vibes to ya’ll as you continue to enjoy March snow storms, brought you by the rain storms of California.

Speaking of snow storms, Lake Arrowhead has been getting hit with so many!

This would not be a possible winter for me to live in the bus full time. 

It would have been a little too close to “Into the Wild” for my personal comfort… 

So… Can I get a “Hailey-lujah, thank you Jones-us” for landing a SWEET studio apartment in the heart of Hollywood?

Life in the city has been really a treat. I’ve never lived in a city this big before.

It was a little bit of a bumpy ride to get here, but bumps can be fun! Bumps help a greater appreciation emerge for when it’s smooth sailing.

It took two weeks for heat to get turned on and it’s been really funny trying to get internet activated. 

I’ve been laughing at the timing of it all. It’s like I’m being slowly initiated back into “normal” society, i.e. non-off grid life. 

 

But, you know what they say, “You can take the girl out of the bus, but you can’t take the bus life out of the girl.”
Regardless of what anyone says, especially they, life is great and I’m stoked about existence. 

Especially because I CAN TAKE A BATH WHENEVER I WANT TO— and now I SMELL SO MUCH BETTER THAN I USED TO! 

And I can see the Hollywood sign from my rooftop and the Paramount water tower can be seen by looking down my street. 

And I have a bike and can go places so easily!

My inner child is joyously singing, “squeedle squeedle squeedle dee— It’s so fun to be Hailey!” 

And when your inner child is singing and all the past versions of yourself are leaping joyously, you know you’re doing something right.

Now, many of you have asked, what’s going on with the bus? 

Currently, it’s still sitting on my land, just chillin’ (literally because it’s been so f***ing cold). 

It could move, get sold, or fly away taking small children on field trips of their wildest dreams— any of those things could happen. 

All I know is that the bus was there to help facilitate a transition for me. And that happened, so something else is bound to as well.

And that’s how dreams become reality, folks. 

You take strange leaps that have you living off grid in a school bus working as an elf in a small town theme park…  

Then after a year and a half, you find yourself living in Hollywood realizing that all the visions you’ve held dear all your life are actively coming true everyday. And it’s all just happy-ing. 

Happy-ing Ever After. :0)

Stay tuned— that’s not the end of the story. It’s HAPPYING, after all, and “ING” means action.

Content within Chaos

Wahoo! Happy 2019, Everyone!

Wow! What a wonderful whirlwind the last few months have been! I feel like three years have passed within a matter of months. I guess that’s what happens when you are keeping super busy.

August through late October, I immersed myself into a study of improv and comedy. How boring, right? I took a couple classes a week at the Groundlings and frequently attended shows with my classmates. There’s a home like feeling being with other comedy folk. By the end of three and a half months, I was able to develop five very distinct characters, all with different perspectives, movements, and voices. It was fun to be able to do that without a wig or extensive costume. I feel community starting to emerge, a future network being created for when I need it. I will be resume classes again come early February, Advanced Improv here I come!

Early November, I did a week-long course in abdominal massage. I am now certified and am available to start taking clients! Side Story: I started getting this work done a couple of years ago. I used to have a lot of problems with cysts, painful periods, etc— now I look forward to bleeding every month. Abdominal massage is valuable to men and women, as there are more nerve receptors in the gut than in the brain. I tie energy healing in with my massage work, which is proving to be a beneficial blend for those who receive it!

Mid-November thru the beginning of January, it was all Christmas all the time! I went back to the best job ever at Santa’s Village. Now, I was asked to create my own character (instead of being a princess again). I created A. Jolly Elf that was raised by reindeer. I had so much fun getting to ride bikes, ice skate, slip/trip/fall all over the village. They also let me create my own elf variety show. This ended up being about a 25-minute solo performance (with lots of audience participation). Finally, I created one woman—well—elf show!
I also can be heard on this episode of American Parlor SongBook

Now, that ’tis the season is over… What’s happening you may ask?

I’ve been working as a “stage partner” to a magician. I’d call myself an assistant, Wacko insists we are equals. I basically just make faces while he does magical things. We’ve done a couple of gigs together. This Wednesday the 16th, I get to perform in LA’s best Variety Show, Boobie Trap! If any of you ever come to visit me on a Wednesday, we have to go!

A few days after that, I will be hosting MY first ever variety show at the Tudor House. I have a great blend of LA professionals and Mountain Talent, and I’m excited to explore what this show will look like and how I’m gonna MC. Big thanks to the Tudor House for allowing me to throw random nights of wild entertainment on their stage.

Well, in a couple of weeks I’ll be headed back to KC for my fourth year in Theatre for Young America’s Toughest Kid in the World. Love being a part of this anti-bullying, conflict resolution play and working with this company.

I’ll be in Kansas City from January 22nd thru February 4th… so hit me up if you are able to meet up!

I’m currently looking for a place to live mostly full time down in LA, if anyone has leads on Nut-Friendly spaces, let me know.

I’m wanting to be down here more fully to commit to being more active in “the business”. The time is now!

Also, there’s been a bit of bus drama flowing again. It is pretty clearly illegal for me to live on my own land unless I build an actual house. I still feel there is a way at least to store the bus there, but I haven’t found it yet (any lawyers out there able to help me find the cracks in the code?). My neighbor is trying to sell is property and suddenly isn’t so kosher with me or my bus being parked there. I can offer my land as an add-on  (if I can keep my bus there) to anyone who wants to buy his beautiful house. Let me know if you are interested or know of someone who might be willing to invest. I’d love to see it turned into a clown commune. Maybe several of us could go in on it together—Could we crowdfund 400k? Where there is a will there is a way!

Overall, I’m feeling great about life. I feel balanced, productive, and happy. In the face of chaos, I can giggle, learn, and take right action. I am just feeling so right about this last seven months of my twenties, and stoked to keep on keeping on!

If you can dream it, it can happen!

Always Myself…

I’ve spent the last several months venturing in and out of depths life as a Hailen…
It’s been a deeply personal, introspective process– which is why I’ve been pretty unable to update in this form over last FOUR months. Yikes.
There has been much to learn and many ways to expand, but at the core I am always myself and I love all that I am. SELF LOVE IS ESSENTIAL, ya’ll.

Anyway, the time is now and a BLOG now to ya’ll shall be sent!
YOU WONDERFUL HUMANS YOU!

This summer was very busy:
+ Sold my house in Kansas City in June, it’s still “in the family” and fully functioning as the Circus!
+ Created and performed in a couple Mountain Comedy Shows. They were successful and a great learning opportunity.
+ Taught three theatre camps: Lake Arrowhead, Willow Creek, and Jacksonville. Love doing these camps!
+ Saw four Cubs games in the following cities LA, San Diego, Chicago, Kansas City. Great fun!
+ Completed two improv classes at Groundlings, currently enrolled in a third. Challenging and a powerful way to learn.
+ Connected to some “soul sisters” thru some online temple work– much deepening into my feminine wisdom and role as healer.
+ Did a online meditation immersion that helped demote my overly present inner critic, which lead to the creation of the the unfiltered and raw August Poem Series.
+ Explored dark depressing depths in order to connect with soul shifting light! — as expressed thru Poem Complex.

I am grateful to be present with this seasonal change and be on this SoCal mountain where the transition into Autumn can actually be felt + smelt in the morning air.

It feels nice to be in the time of letting go, so that one day new things can grow again.

Last week, when I tried to write this blog entry… This little story emerged, celebrating the exchanges of last year around this time. “Fall Remembrance by Hailey Jones.” I liked reconnecting to the feeling this times magic thru these words.

What a year it’s been… It was a little over a year ago that I packed up my Prius to move out into my modern day gypsy wagon, a converted school bus. Leaving a wonderfully functioning five bedroom home to a 240 square foot space. LEAPS OF FAITH! (here is a video tour of the Magic Bus)

Living in the bus isn’t always easy either. It’s a whole lifestyle to commit to– having to bathe + launder in the generous homes of others, there was no internet or cell reception for six months, county confronting me because apparently it’s illegal to camp on your own land, wtf? — — Despite the challenges, everyday I am more and more grateful for this unique home. It has taught me so much about myself, trusting the process, knowing when to ask for help, allowing myself receive from the community, and, of course, simplicity-simplicity-simplicity (if you say it three times you invoke the spirit of Thoreau).

At the heart, what I’ve learned is that regardless of how you live your life personal dreams don’t unfold solely with drive of one’s own ambition — it takes a community of others to also believe in that individual for those dreams to wholly unfold..

Currently, I feel a profound sense of balance occurring in my life. I can feel the potency of the path I am on, and am feeling in deep alignment with patience as each step brings greater clarity to where I am, where I came from, and where I am going. This beautiful tapestry of life is so perfectly woven, every thread informing the next, every piece important, nothing thrown away or wasted… Sometimes the occasional snag, illuminates the unseen details of the precision required when weaving a conscious path.

In short, all is now well and as it should be!

Thanks for being a witness to my journey.

Something Sort of Something: A Palpable Update

Since the last few entries have been aired more on the side of reflections.
Here is more of a palpable update:

I’ve been going through a something sort of something… but, I think it’s getting better now.

Taught round one of Adult Acting Classes up on the mountain. It apparently was a success because all of my students requested that I continue to offer them. So, round two begun last Monday. I am learning a lot about how to speak basics, while simultaneously accommodating the variety of different needs of the individual student. Grateful to have students that are pushing me to expand as a teacher. Lake Arrowhead children and adults classes are available for you! 

The Radiate Wellness Community has featured my blog post “Epiphany of Breathe”. !!!

My dear friend, Amina Teachout, opened up her yoga studio, Playscape, this last month. I’ve been connecting with a really wonderful community there. The friendships I’m beginning to cultivate up here hold such a unique balance of mutual love, wisdom, and support. It’s pretty freaking awesome. Oh, and I got to clown around at the opening, which was fun– Spatula tried to practice the yoga poses, literally.  Did you know downward dogs actually bark? Woof!

I started taking some improv classes at the Groundlings down in LA this past week. It feels really good to be practicing, playing, and going back to the basics. It’s also really nice to be splitting time half in the city, half in the mountain. Great to be meeting new people and be at a different pace.Very grateful for the friends who are offering a place for me to sleep two nights a week, this saves me five hours, $20 bucks in gas, and a whole lot of emotional energy of going up and down that mountain! Plus, I get to do some city exploring. YAY FOR FRIENDS!

Safety Sue made her first radio appearance on an NPR show called “American Parlor Song Book” …. About halfway through the bureaucracy, you’ll find Safety Sue sharing her experience with the government. Check out episode “4/27/18 – Pushing Pencils”  !!! National exposure, oh yeah!

I have finally launched a Patreon account. Patron is a website that allows “fans” to subscribe to an artists work. I’ve chosen to do this on a monthly basis. So… if you enjoy my blog posts, youtube creations, artistic/teaching presence in various different communities, AND you have a couple extra bones to toss my (and NutMeg’s) way each month, it’d make a big difference. CLICK HERE TO START YOUR SUBSCRIPTION. If everyone on this mailing list subscribed only $3 monthly, my body would be properly nourished all month long. On average, it takes me at least six hours of writing/editing per blog post. It’d be really rad if my part time random jobs could subside so I could focus on generating more consistently and confidently! 

You’ll really be supporting a lot of different projects and communities with your $$$. Example being: the development of my new comedy show, “Lake Arrowhead Live: A Mountain Comedy Show” ..  to be performed June 16th at 7pm at the Tudor House in Lake Arrowhead!

​

There was an incident at the bus involving county code enforcement. The whole thing was quite absurd and upsetting. I haven’t received a written notice of anything, so I’m not taking it too seriously— but it has provoked a trying to understand of what my rights are. Apparently, it’s illegal to live on your own land in an RV, however it’s not illegal to park on the street and live in your RV as long as you move it every once and awhile. The code people came because of a complaint.  How could I be bothering anyone? I live quietly as a meditative writer that lives efficiently in a bus next to a meadow. On a weekly basis, I see more wildlife than I do people. I see coyotes everyday, we’re all on a first name basis now. Recently, I SAW A BABY MOUNTAIN LION and a week later I saw a BEAR, oh yes a bear– not so way over there. Here is proof!
​Anyway, I will, of course, find ways around this should there be further issues— cause what’s the point of owning land if you can’t live the way you very (environmentally) consciously choose to?

I heard a quote recently on This American Life by a Creek Indian Chief that is sitting strong with me. “I have thought that the white men wanted to bring burden and ache of heart among my people in driving them from their homes and yoking them with laws they do not understand.”

There are so many laws these days. My neighbor said that between county, state, and federal laws, the average Californian breaks twenty laws a day without even knowing it. Having a written set understandings to honor those around us is valuable, but when does it become too much? I question where the line between protection and freedom needs to be drawn. The government (among many other aspects of this world) is far too in their heads, not enough in their hearts.

I feel this about personal relationships too. We can get through fear and conflict, if everyone is willing to face it. Deeper compassion evokes greater collaboration. Simple as that…

But, I’m sure, as with all things, balanced will be achieved and all will someday will be in harmony. *light shines from heavens*

and until then….  I shall meditate and occasionally scream, “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH WTF IS GOING ON HERE?”.

and the response I will get from NutMeg will look like this:

(the emotional support dog that doesn’t even care about my feelings…whatever, Nut.)

A Threshold of FEAR

As darkness fell, I walked barefoot down a clay road in the Amazon jungle. I remember congratulating myself for no longer feeling fear. Instead, I walked tall, feeling strength from the most depths of my innermost being, from the depths of my soul.

Over the years and through my travels, so many of my deep fears have been actualized. And I’m not talking about just spiders and snakes, ya’ll, I’m talking about the big stuff. And through skilled battle and great bravery, I have conquered many of them, not just snakes and spiders, the big stuff, the BIG fears. Through this process, I have eliminated the very things that often keep so many us living small.

Specifically, on this walk, I reviewed the multiple events that I faced the worst fear of many. Death, my own death, and alone for that matter.  Examples being: In a remote Indian Himalayan village, a drunk man in an active pursuit of sexual attack and an attempt at pushing me off a mountainside. In Kathmandu, being locked inside a stairwell while surrounding buildings crumbled in the aftershocks of two massive earthquakes. Or the classic Peruvian nightmare of waking up in the middle of the night to find the jungle around me engulfed in flames. And then there are the simple cross-country adventures of sleeping alone in desolate campgrounds. Or even to running a homestay, where every night I share my roof with complete strangers. I hold a bravery and trust of the world that many have a hard time even imagining.

At the end of this clay road, I found a shaman, a journey that was literally guided by my nocturnal dreams. This shaman would come to serve as a very important inner voice in the years to come. This shaman, who I would tell– in my limited Spanish, that I was very strong. And he would respond very with a loving affirmation, “and beautiful.” Strong and beautiful, there are worse ways to be described. ;0)

So, here I am. I am Hailey, a strong and beautiful woman of twenty-eight years. I have been very active on a path of listening to my heart and following my dreams (of all meanings and varieties). And now, I live in bus on a mountain and…

DUN DUN DUN!
FEAR ARRISES ONCE AGAIN!

Because, there is always  somewhere to go, more depth to explore… and just like that, it’s raining, it’s pouring, it might be a human ravaging beast that is snoring… and you didn’t even know rain was in the forecast.

So, the fears and other weird emotions and shit start bubbling up to the surface. Fear of losing the ones you love most arise, the impending doom of greater responsibility surfaces, and past relationships somehow rear their ghostly heads to remind you that you haven’t healed all the wounds of the past… You feel hurt, broke, helpless… the radiant woman of strength and beauty you once were… a distance memory.

“But life”, as I often hear a youtube commercial say, “Life isn’t about WHAT happens to you, it’s how you respond to it.” Then I think the metaphysical gargoyles circling my energy field as fear begins to dominate and I don’t know what to do. Ugh, how unappealing gargoyles are!

Then I read my morning tea wisdom (it’s the little quote that comes on my tea bag): “Be the change you wish to see in the world!” …. ugh, not only does that seem like so much work– It also seems impossible when you don’t know exactly what that change is or even how to go about changing it? … Where is the Hailey to your hummingbird? Stuck, trapped… Who is gonna offer the diversion and help me see the path I need to go to get to where I want to be?

Then there’s hoping that just a little bit of substance will be the medicine that will cure all the woes. And then realizing that medicine doesn’t really help, it blocks pain, sometimes misdirects it… but it doesn’t always facilitate the healing process.

Nope. It’s time to identify the fear and the destructive patterns that come with it. If we want to see our dreams come true, we gotta get rid of what’s blocking them from occurring.

For me, it’s stopping procrastinating, self-critiquing, and just fucking write! And get out there to clown around, in full trust that the appropriate opportunities will present themselves perfectly. I am living my dream as a comedic actress and soulful creator. “Success”, as I see it, is a process and it’s already actively unfolding.

For me, it’s learning how to be less critical of my lovers and learning how to love myself enough to draw in a partner who is ready to commit to a lifelong journey with me, no matter what SHIT comes up. Relationships are designed to trigger shit, and I will have a partner that is as committed to healing and growth as I am— both individually AND in the relationship.

For me, it’s about being the radiant woman, strong and beautiful, even in moments of extreme vulnerability… Being the woman that I am destined to become. Being the woman I already am and loving every single aspect of my beingness… not only for myself but also for others.

Because when we live, aware of fears– yet free from them… we allow the space for our dreams to unfold, more beautifully than we could have ever imagined.

So, what are your dreams? And what fears are holding you back? And how can you conquer them?

a video recording of this post.

Hummingbird.

An afternoon, not too long ago…. I was meditating, hoping to relax my brain enough so that, perhaps I could fall asleep. Right as I was beginning to cross the threshold of consciousness into perhaps of restful slumber something flew into my bus. I heard the buzz of wigs and NutMeg beginning to get riled up.

I went to the front windshield where I encountered a beautiful hummingbird trying desperately to get out only to find itself trapped. I moved some books out of the way that were disabling the hummingbirds full range of motion. Upon moving the books, the wings fluttered, and again, this little bird kept bumping against the glass. I tried to encourage it with words. “All you have to do is fly through this  open window less than eight inches away, it’s right here!”

It stopped moving seemingly calmed by my presence. We locked eyes. There I saw this bird, a symbol of joy and happiness, afraid— stuck. I watched it’s breathing, it’s heart beat, which is generally quite fast, begin to slow. This little bird and I gazed into each others eyes. Soon, it started fluttering again hitting the window, repeatedly unable to break through to get to where it was meant to be. It kept trying to go one way, over and over again without any success.

I had the idea to block it’s vision of the glass. I grabbed a piece of paper and slid it over the windshield where the hummingbird was trying to fly. Immediately, it turned and flew out the open window eight inches away.

How often we are that little bird— we see so clearly what we want, but we are blindsided by how to get there. We try the same thing over and over again, with little to no success. But, if when we find a way to free ourselves from how it should go, into how it’s going, we actually open ourselves to finding the way of getting there.

An afternoon, not too long ago, I saw a hummingbird, the essence of joy, admit that it was afraid. And I too, must stop sometimes and acknowledge the fear I feel.

epiphany of breath

Over the course of the last month, I have probably written over eight almost blog posts.  Then a day or two goes by… and I think, well, that’s probably TOO much to send to people. Maybe I’m sharing too much of my inner process, also people probably don’t want to hear about my trials and tribulations or every breakthrough I have regarding what I am trying to cultivate in my life and the frustration of it not arriving.

Then today happened. I had a minor epiphany while I was promoting myself as a teacher for a local organization.

“I believe that if you get kids to create their own material instead of handing them a script to memorize… they feel more confident because they created it themselves so they can’t do it wrong.”

I heard myself say that and thought, Hailey. Why is that voice of your inner critique dominating everything? If you create it yourself, you can’t do it wrong.

So that’s where I am at. I write and create a lot… in fact I generate so much that I’m really unclear on what the outlet for it is… or how to organize it into something SUBSTANTIAL, like a book or a sitcom. So, that’s the next breakthrough that needs to occur.

One of my students after class today asked me if I could read something she wrote because she wants to be a writer when she grows up. It was one of those moments where you realize that someone respects you and values your opinion. And trusts you enough to reveal something that means a lot to them. I was incredibly moved.

I look back over March and honestly… It was a month that happened. Things be happening and I be growing from them— same ole’ same ole’… But something internally is shifting in a way that is very different from the rest of my life. That shift can be simplified as feeling a stronger understanding and commitment to my self worth.

As I look more into making the transition to LA, I feel really clear about kind of environment I want to live in, what kind of “side” jobs I am willing to take, and what my bullshit tolerance is in my inner personal and work relationships. It feels great, but it’s also challenging because the more you value yourself, the more the things and people who don’t value you start to fall away. So, your left with the foundational pillars, which sometimes can be pretty surprising.

I take the blame for almost everything that happens in my life. In painful relationships, in bad business, in just the bullshit that happens between people. And in some ways this really serves me because I face the shit that many people run far away from, only to experience it time and time again. That one toxic relationship, as ridiculous as it was, really made me address sexual abuse from the past and a lot of my childhood relational issues. I couldn’t run, in the name of love I had to face the very things that were keeping me from it.

And of course, that still comes up. But now, I see other people and I am being able to more clearly discern what is mine and what is theirs. I’m getting closer and closer to doing this in real time and being able to discuss it with them so it doesn’t become a relationship sabotaging situation. 

But, sometimes I still fail. And then spend countless hours reading internet blogs about communication skills and looking into courses so I can “catch him and keep him”.

But, you know what? Fuck that. I am tired of that. I am taking ownership of my own shit, and my best relationships are with others who also take ownership of their shit. And through that we grow and we love each other more because of that growth.

And also, if you spend too much time watching the news, or reading studies, or obsessively blog posts on the human experience… you forget what you already know. YOU BLOCK OUT YOUR OWN WISDOM. But why? For what?

Just fucking breathe everybody. BREATHE. 

Take deep fucking breathes every time you feel anxious, every time you feel something. Cause guess what, you are supposed to feel— ALL OF IT. All the pain, all the trauma, all the discomfort that whatever you’re going through is bringing up. Through the feels you will learn what the situation is trying to teaching you. And then, you will grow. You will bloom into the radiant human you are intended to be. Filled with your own personal wisdom and the courage to follow your dreams, and to value your worth in the process. That’s what needs to be remembered, so stop looking outside yourself, it’s all right there.

If you want to live a life that inspires you and others, that’s the key.
At least for me anyway.

Seriously Buszarre.

Two months since an update, and I’m wondering if you’re wondering how things have been? In Hailey’s world of make believe you’ve all at least had the passing thought…

Maybe it’s something about being 28.5…
Or the recent plot twists and curve balls I’ve been thrown lately…
Or perhaps it’s the inspiring dynamic with the boyfriend…
If I’m not on my toes, the rest of my feet are touching the ground— Thankfully.My perspective has been shifting, and like your favorite Pokemon you just gave candy to, I am evolving!

 

Updates:
After a series of seriously bizarre tribulations, I am officially selling my house in Kansas City! I am trying to do this in a way that supports the continuation of my Airbnb, as there are investors currently mulling over the idea! If they don’t follow through, the house will be on the market in the next couple of weeks!

My Kansas City visit was mostly odd, but allowed me to address a lot of important things and drop in with some really special people. Being back affirmed that moving to California has been the best choice I’ve ever made for myself.

Upon my return to California, I did a comedy intensive at Second City in LA— where in six days we wrote, memorized, performed a forty-five minute Valentines’ Day Revue.  Someone taped it, so if you’d like to watch it, I’d love to get your feedback! (I solo wrote four of the sketches, then collaborated a few of the others— fun game! Guess which ones I wrote!) https://vimeo.com/256334576

The experience was very positive. And further affirmed my desire to be more active in generating and performing comedy in the coming years.

To do that… I’m gonna need to move closer to LA!

There is no real timeline on when these things will occur. I feel good about the direction, and all will unfold as it should! Taking inspired action!

Upon my return to the mountain, I received two different calls regarding teaching opportunities. I was referred through recommendations from various members of the community. That’s pretty rad!

It’s been cold as snowballs in the bus. That’s probably because it has been snowing. My little wood stove does good up to a certain point of cold, then I gotta use the propane stove (which is hella pricey). I love being here, the stillness and rustic nature of it all. But, I do look forward to living somewhere where I will have enough running water to bathe in my own home… although then I will miss my composting toilet because it’s the coolest way to shit! My bus can be my mountain home, that I imagine I will still visit frequently.
​​

Pondering​s​ of Bus Isolation:
If there was no “I”, would there still be a problem? And if there was still a problem, could it be resolved? Being selfless is removing the ego from the situation. There are situations where things need to be addressed, shifted, changed— the personality can often sabotage the situation, thus inhibiting the work from getting done easily.It would be great if we could discuss differences without creating separation.

How well do we ever know someone? A friend of many years walk away in an instant, when seemingly  strangers can lift you up and hold you tight through heartaches. In this, perhaps we should honor the impulsivity in enjoying our relationships when they are available for us. This would enhance our everyday appreciation for the people who show up in our lives. This is also a mark for gratitude in honoring the being we wake up next two in the morning. I’M SO GRATEFUL YOU ARE HERE!

Honoring your word is one of the most important principles when it comes to respecting yourself and others.

What happens when we can see love in every thing we encounter? Someone walking away, a mark of love (for themselves or you). Gas stations, a mark of love (they exist so we can get to the things we love). Can we fill the world with more love by seeing love in everything? Can we find more harmony and compassion in our actions and that of others? Can we find the source of why certain actions feel to be the void of love?

Believing  in someone’s experience, whether or not you believe in for yourself, is a true mark of love.

The most passionate love, the kind of love where all points meet (communication, humor, sex, love languages all in perfect alignment), might not be the most practical love.
There might be a time where practicality transcends the soul’s passion.

(this thought is a mark of death to much of my internal existence)

The more you commit to love, the more you grow.

—

——————————

       Hailey Jones

Actor/Creator:Teacher/Healer

     theHaileyJones.com